The Weird Time In Pregnancy

I find myself almost forgetting I am pregnant.  I haven't bled in a while and I am not all that sickly.  Thank God.  The baby is still too small to feel, yet I can feel stretching on my c-section scar area.  It is a weird place to be.

I remember feeling this way with Johnathon.  His pregnancy was blissfully uneventful until the wreck at the very end.  No bleeding and not much sickness.   Once the sickness stopped I was just there until I could feel him.  

With Gabriel and Bella I was sick or bleeding pretty bad until 17 weeks.  So I really only had a few weeks of calm before I could feel them fluttering around in there.  The relief was amazing.

I am so thankful every time I go to the bathroom and there is no blood.  I am thankful when I get that twinge of sickness to remind me.  I am thankful that right now I am not having many symptoms of pregnancy.  It just takes some getting used to.

I find myself wanting to use the doppler twice a week, which is so much better than everyday like I used to with other pregnancies.  It has been almost a week since I used it because it can be loud and Bella has been asleep before we have had a chance to.  The worry creeps in often.  I try, as always, to push it back down.  

So for now I will celebrate this calm in the pregnancy and pray that everything continues to be ok.  Find the joy right?  :)

Summer and Mondays

So it is officially Summer for my kids.  The public school kids still have another week or so to go before they get out of school though.  We had a wonderful busy weekend filled with friends, fun and garage sales.  :)

I wouldn't trade these times for anything.  Sitting in our friend's front yard watching the kids run through the slip-n-slide over and over.  Lots of fun and great conversations.  Michael being right by my side.  It was awesome.

Until Monday morning when I realize how much catching up I need to do.  

You see I have OCD a bit and really like to have my house clean.  I go through this every year during the nicer weather and I have to readjust my expectations of what my house will look like.  It just takes me a while to get there.

My parents and sister sent some wonderful stuff to us last week including maternity clothes that I am going to be needing soon.  I am so thankful for the gifts.  The only issue is doing all the laundry and finding places for everything they sent.  That is on my list of things to do today since we were having fun all weekend.

I have like four loads of laundry to wash, dry and put away.  I hate laundry.  I try to find the good in it, but I just struggle.  I will be joyful...I will be joyful.  :)  I have a huge laundry basket full of items that need to find places.  The floors are covered with mud and grass from our crazy weekend.  

I am just behind.  I am way more tired this pregnancy so far than I wish I would be.  I fizzle out around 10am and can't find my groove to keep working around the house.  I just need to be ok with it all.  There is nothing I can do about being tired.

I am thankful for the baby in my belly.  I am thankful for my kids who are here to make all the messes.  I am thankful to have Michael home.  He is an amazing help.  

So today, Monday, after a summer weekend....I will be thankful and try not to cuss when I am putting away the 5th load of laundry.  :)

That Stinking Table

Last year, right after Michael was deployed, I bought a table that we had agreed on.  We have a table, but the screws to the chairs went missing years ago.  Michael worked hard to find screws to replace them, but those were misplaced in the move up here.

So we bought a new table.  I got the extremely heavy thing home, got it in the house and it was broken.  I then had to bother our neighbor, who I barely knew at the time, to help me get it back in the truck to take it back.  Then he was kind enough to help me get it back in the house.

It took me days to get all the chairs and the table together.  I had to ask a neighbor that I don't like being associated with to help me get the 350lb table upright.  It was a mess and such a pain.  When I got it up I was sort of happy with it but not thrilled.

The chairs seemed cheap even though we had paid good money for this table.  The table was ok, but I decided quickly that I didn't like that it was counter height.  The kids have all fallen off a chair while not paying attention.  The table then started chipping.  If I put a plate down on it there would be a mark.  

When all this started, I was going through a rough time with Michael being gone.  I made my way to Texas without thinking about the table again.  When Michael got home I asked him if he could try to put together our original table since I had found some of the screws.  We made the decision to try to sell the "new" table and go back to our old one.  

Lesson learned here?  New isn't always better.  The grass isn't always greener.  Things are made cheaply now.  

So we are cleaning it up, taking it apart, and asking the same sweet neighbor (who has become a wonderful family friend) to come help Michael get it into the garage.  Praying someone needs it and buys it from us.  

Here's to fixing things that are not working, instead of moving on.

Get Rid Of The Stuff

I have been working for over two years now to get rid of the junk in our house.  After we were rudely told that we had too much stuff, by someone I would actually like to thank now, we were offended.  At first.  Then we realized that they were right and we started getting rid of the stuff.

We had lived in our house for nearly three years and had three kiddos by then.  I saved everything "just in case" we might need it.  It took over our attic, garage and every closet we had in our house.   When we had to quickly move to Wylie and Michael was stuck doing all of the moving because I was two to three weeks postpartum, he told me we had to purge.  I was upset.  I didn't want to get rid of baby items that we could eventually use.  I liked all of our stuff.  I also watched the stress and pain on his face when he was moving everything.  I knew it needed to be done.

So we started going through everything.  We would take a box, go through it, and decided if we could sell it, throw it away or if it just had to stay.  It took us a few weeks, since Bell was so tiny, but when we finished we felt lighter.  It was a good thing.  My parents and sister had a garage sale for us and we were able to make some much needed money from the items we sold.  

Then Michael joined the army and we decided to move in with his parents.  As we were packing all of our stuff, we would go through things here and there.  Again trying to get rid of as much as we could.

Michael and I would go to storage and go through boxes, decide on furniture that needed to go and take boxes back to the house with us to go through.  We donated lots of items, got more for another garage sale and threw away things that just shouldn't have been kept in the first place.  I continued to do the same when Michael was in BCT (basic).

A lot of the decision to get rid of the stuff after he joined the army is the weight limit they have for moving household goods.  Typically soldiers in the lower ranks are either single, have a spouse or maybe have one kiddo.  Now, because of the economy, more married people with kids are joining and making it work with the allowed amount.  We are allowed 8,000lbs.  Seems like a lot right?  It can be depending on how much furniture you have.  Some people have full bedroom suites with dressers and such for each bedroom.  That weight adds up fast.  Tools, clothes and books are heavy.  

We worked hard to get under the allowed amount and we did it.  We came in with 4,700 lbs for five people.  Since then I have done two more rounds of purging.  We have added things to our house.  Tv, bed, Bella's bed, entertainment center and such.  We have tried to keep track of how much it has weighed too try to stay under.  If you go over you have to pay so much per pound.  Not something we want to have any part of.  :)

I participated in a good friend's group this year with the goal of getting rid of 2012 things in the year 2012.  I have gotten rid of 2401 so far.  Actually I need to add four things to that official count.  

We go through each room in our house once a month to make sure we haven't missed anything that just needs to go.  The only things that I don't use the "if you haven't used it or worn it in six months get rid of it" rule is with maternity clothes, regular clothes when I am pregnant, precious baby items that I can not part with and our one box of memory items.  

Michael and I share a tub for our memories.  We go through it along with everything else and we haven gotten rid of things when we feel we can.  He has items from vacations and a bank his grandfather made him.  I have items from my grandmothers and my hospital socks from the day I had Sunny.  I just recently gave Bella the Sunshine Care Bear that Michael had given me after Sunny.  I cried when I gave it to her, remembering when and why I got it, but seeing her playing with it is precious.

Letting go of stuff is good.  It makes you feel lighter.  More free.  So....is there anything you can give up?

Day 1 of Deployment Revisited

It has been a year since Michael left for his first deployment.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about this day.  I thought that I would be able to look back and smile.  Be able to be happy that we made it through the deployment.  To be thankful for all that we have made it through.  I am all those things, but I am also emotional.

Blame it on the pregnancy maybe, but I cry every time I think about the day he left.   How I felt that day is burned into my memory forever.  

I remember how the kids felt and acted.  I remember Michael being unable to fake a smile.  The way he didn't smell like himself because of the new uniform.  The quietness of Michael holding Bella as she slept on his shoulder.  I knew his arms were tired, but he wouldn't put her down.  The boys tried to play, but couldn't find their fun.  What it felt like to watch the bus drive out of sight.    How I shook uncontrollably.  The feeling of getting home and knowing he wouldn't be there for a long time.  Instinctively watching the clock around the time he would be getting home, and remembering he wouldn't be coming home.  Explaining to Bella every morning, for weeks, how daddy wouldn't be home for a while.  How wrong it all felt. 

I am not cut out for this life.  I won't ever be. I am ok with that.  We are finding that neither of us are cut out for this.  I envy people who are.  Those who can bounce back after their love is sent away.  Those who can find the good in the situation and find a way to go on.  

So June 7 will be forever etched in my memory as a day of sadness.  Just as March 17 will always be a day of immense happiness. 

Take a moment every once in a while and remember that military troops are constantly being deployed.  No matter what you hear on the news about the war being over or ending soon, they are still being sent over.  Right now the tours in the Army are nine months with no r&r.  So for nine months they will not see their loved ones in person.  The Army could change this at any given moment.  They have added to people's tours before and they could again.  Pray that they don't.  

If you would like to read the post I wrote about the day Michael left click here.  

Thank you all for helping me through this life so far.  I am eternally thankful.

What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

I am going to talk about c-sections today.

If you are sensitive to posts about c-sections or birth, you might want to skip this one.

I keep being reminded that I don't need to rationalize my feelings or thoughts, but this time I think I do.  This post is not to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad.  If you had a c-section that you are happy with, this post is not for you.  If you had a c-section because of the health of you or your baby, this isn't for you.  If you had a c-section because of infertility or loss and you just wanted a live baby, this post is *not* for you.

Now with that being said . . . I had a c-section with Johnathon.  My experience was traumatic.  I don't use that word lightly.  I know friends who have had way more traumatic experiences than I have, but to me, my c-section wasn't a good time.

It was decided, after 28 1/2 hours of painful induced labor, that I needed a c-section for "failure to progress".  That was changed later in my records to "brow presentation".  I was eventually able to come to terms with that birth because I was told there was no other way for him to come out.  "Ok" I thought.  "It wasn't my fault."  There wasn't any other way for him to be born right???  That is what they said.  I had infertility issues, a painful loss and wanted a live baby.  I probably would have let them cut off my legs to have Johnathon.  I didn't realize that he *could* have been born another way until I met the precious lady I call my midwife.  Only mine.  No one else's.  :)

I met her at a childbirth educator class and she told me that she had homebirths with her last two births and one was brow presentation.  What?????  I was interested and crushed all at the same time.  I knew there wasn't anything that I could do about J's birth now, but I wanted to know more.

Anyway....that is another story all together.  Back to the c-section.  When they told me that I would have to have a c-section I said ok, after fighting it for about four hours.  Never was I told any of the risks or complications that might occur.  I knew some of them.  I had tried to educate myself to the best of my ability.  I knew having a child surgically removed from one's belly wasn't the best way of doing it, but I didn't know the half of it.  

Do you know what informed consent is?  I didn't.  Informed consent ensures that patients or clients are aware of the risks involved in a particular treatment or procedure.

Basically doctors are supposed to tell you all of the risks of any procedure they want to do to you.  I wasn't told any.

What are the risks of having a c-section?  They are many.

 The information below was found on http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/cesareanrisks.html.

• Infection: Infection can occur at the incision site, in the uterus and in other pelvic organs such as the bladder.
• Hemorrhage or increased blood loss: There is more blood loss in a cesarean delivery than with a vaginal delivery. This can lead to anemia or a blood transfusion.
• Injury to organs: Possible injury to organs such as the bowel or bladder
• Adhesions: Scar tissue may form inside the pelvic region causing blockage and pain. Adhesions can also lead to future pregnancy complications such as placenta previa or placental abruption.
• Extended hospital stay: After a cesarean, the normal stay in the hospital is 3-5 days after the birth, if there are no complications.
• Extended recovery time: The amount of time needed for recovery after a cesarean can range from weeks to months. Extended recovery can have an impact on bonding time with your baby (1 in 14 report incisional pain six months or more after surgery⁴).
• Reactions to medications: There can be a negative reaction to the anesthesia given during a cesarean or negative reaction to pain medication given after the procedure.
• Risk of additional surgeries: Includes possible hysterectomy, bladder repair or another cesarean.
• Maternal mortality: The maternal mortality rate for a cesarean is higher than with a vaginal birth.
• Emotional reactions: Some women who have had a cesarean report feeling negatively about their birth experience and may have trouble with initial bonding with their baby.

Risks and Complications for the Baby:

• Premature birth: If gestational age was not calculated correctly, a baby delivered by cesarean could be delivered too early and have low birth weight.
• Breathing problems: When delivered by cesarean, a baby is more likely to have breathing and respiratory problems. Some studies show the existence of greater need for assistance with breathing and immediate care after a cesarean than with a vaginal delivery.
• Low APGAR scores: Low APGAR scores can be the result of anesthesia, fetal distress before the delivery or lack of stimulation during delivery (Vaginal birth provides natural stimulation to the baby while in the birth canal). Babies born by cesarean are 50% more likely to have lower APGAR scores than those born vaginally.
• Fetal injury: Very rarely, the baby may be nicked or cut during the incision.
  

 Researchers have also talked about an increase in miscarriage risk after a c-section.  That is a lot to think about before having an elective c-section.  Right?  

All I am saying is, again, you should educate yourself about everything before subjecting your body and your baby to something that could potentially be harmful.  I am very thankful for c-sections when they are needed.  I know many women with real medical reasons why a c-section was indicated and everyone is thankful that the option was available.  

Having a c-section is major abdominal surgery.  It isn't something that should be taken lightly.  It shouldn't be used so a doctor can make it home for supper, used as an elective procedure because a sonogram past 24 weeks says the baby will be huge, or because a mother doesn't want to feel pain during labor.  

It should be used selectively to save lives.  Period.

I am a Pregnancy, Birth, Breastfeeding and Postpartum Nerd

If you haven't already noticed, I am a nerd.  Specifically about birth and everything having to do with it.  It is my passion.  I met a midwife when I was about 13 or 14.  I never knew that they existed and knew as soon as I learned about what she did I wanted to do that.  I also wanted to be a mom and had an interest in photography.  Still do.  :)

I tried to become a midwife when I got older.  I was told that since I didn't have children no one would want to hire me.  So I should wait until I had kids.  Well for someone who was told I would never have kids, this was a kick in the bottom to say the least.  I gave up on that dream then.

Fast forward many years and because of my first two births I went through training to become a Birth Doula and Childbirth Educator.  I loved it.  I didn't work as much as I wanted to, but I still adored it.  Learning all about the process was so enlightening.  I thought I knew a lot, but I had no clue.

After having Bella, I stopped being a Doula.  It didn't seem right to me anymore.  I knew how birth could be.  I knew it could be healing instead of damaging.  I knew that the things that doctors and some midwives would say were false.  I couldn't sit and watch the train wreck anymore.

Do not get me wrong...being a Doula is fantastic if you have a servants heart and wish to comfort and mother a woman and her family in labor.  I realized that is not my gig.  My gig is working with a mother and family to make her birth as close to how she dreams it will be as possible and to help her understand and deal with the whys after if it didn't happen that way.  That is what I want to do.

I talk about birth a lot in my normal life.  I try to help people as best as I can through any questions they have.  So all this birth talk on my blog isn't just because I am preggo.  :)  It is because it is a passion of mine.  

Oh and that whole midwife thing?  It's gonna happen.  Just give me some time.  Sooner or later I will be catching babies right along side some of my closest friends.  Someday.