That Which Reminds Me Of Deployment

Michael has field for the next two-ish weeks.  This is our first field experience and we are not sure what to expect.  Those two things alone bring up some anxiety. 

When Michael left for deployment we were unsure of where he was going, what he would be doing, when we would be able to speak to him again, if he would be safe, and when he would be home.

Now I do know when Michael will be home, I know where abouts he will be and we know he will be safe.  So the anxiety isn't anywhere close to as bad as it was when he left for deployment. 

There are the little things that trigger those emotions that only deployment or a long separation can bring up.

The truck is out front, but he isn't home.
I have put away the last of his laundry until he gets back.
I can't text him and expect a reply.
He won't be home for breakfast, lunch or supper.
I will be sleeping and waking up without him.

The kids have already commented that he would be home for breakfast by now. 

Two weeks isn't that long.  None of us are worried about it and we aren't sitting on the couch in tears like we were when he deployed.  You *can* tell though that the stress from deployment is not far enough away for him to be gone again.  At least in our hearts.

There is also the added thoughts that this will be the longest we have ever been apart when I have been pregnant.  I do have comfort that I have great friends who will help me if something comes up, and that I would be able to reach him if there was a true emergency. 

We do have much joy to expect when he gets back.  It looks like he will actually be here for Bella's birthday for the first time in her life.  Well except for the day she was born.  He did catch her after all.  :)

This is just another learning experience for us.  He will be going to field a lot next year and will be gone longer and a lot further away.  We are already preparing for another deployment.  He will miss a lot of Sarah's first year.

But we will cross that emotionally charged bridge when we come to it.....

Those Who Serve Our Country, Have Very Little Freedom

I never really thought about what life was like for soldiers (all military really) when they were home.  I knew life would be unspeakably hard while deployed, but little did I know the freedoms they give up while at home too.

These men and women are fighting for our country.  I am not going to get into what I think about the policies or the war.  If you know me well you know how I feel about it all.  Put the war aside for a minute.  These people make the decision to serve this country.  They do what they are told because that is their job.  Some fight hard and lose much.  Michael, thank God, did not have to do that.  He will be forever changed by the things he saw and the ramp ceremonies he participated in.  A Ramp Ceremony is a solemn memorial for a soldier killed in a war zone. The ceremony can take place at an airfield near or in a war zone, where an airplane is usually waiting nearby to take the soldier's remains home.  

We have been not-so-patiently waiting for Michael's vacation plans to be approved.  The army has the right to deny Michael the ability to go home for vacation.  Think about that for a second.

I get why they have this in place.  I know there are people who shouldn't be traveling and those who have screwed up repeatedly shouldn't be given the same perks as those who do their job everyday.  Michael doesn't fall into either of these categories.

He works hard, does what he is told right the first time and is not a flight risk.  As much as I would like to go home and stay there, he will honor his contract until the second it is up.  He is just *that* guy.

There is no reason for him to be denied, but the waiting is getting to me specifically.  He is thrilled about the thought of going home.  Even if it is only for 10 days.  The fact that he is thrilled and making plans, makes me want to make plans and be thrilled right with him.  :)

We all miss home.  We all miss our families and friends.  We miss the fun, food and freedom that Texas represents to us.  We are all excited.

So when you think about the military think about everything that they go through during daily life.  They are technically not allowed to have stubble on their face or get tattoos.  They are limited to where they can go without written permission.  Everything in their lives can change with a moments notice.  Plans can be cancelled, birthdays can and will be missed, and vacation plans hang in the balance while the higher ranks make their decisions.

They are only free to do what the army allows. 

Day 1 of Deployment Revisited

It has been a year since Michael left for his first deployment.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about this day.  I thought that I would be able to look back and smile.  Be able to be happy that we made it through the deployment.  To be thankful for all that we have made it through.  I am all those things, but I am also emotional.

Blame it on the pregnancy maybe, but I cry every time I think about the day he left.   How I felt that day is burned into my memory forever.  

I remember how the kids felt and acted.  I remember Michael being unable to fake a smile.  The way he didn't smell like himself because of the new uniform.  The quietness of Michael holding Bella as she slept on his shoulder.  I knew his arms were tired, but he wouldn't put her down.  The boys tried to play, but couldn't find their fun.  What it felt like to watch the bus drive out of sight.    How I shook uncontrollably.  The feeling of getting home and knowing he wouldn't be there for a long time.  Instinctively watching the clock around the time he would be getting home, and remembering he wouldn't be coming home.  Explaining to Bella every morning, for weeks, how daddy wouldn't be home for a while.  How wrong it all felt. 

I am not cut out for this life.  I won't ever be. I am ok with that.  We are finding that neither of us are cut out for this.  I envy people who are.  Those who can bounce back after their love is sent away.  Those who can find the good in the situation and find a way to go on.  

So June 7 will be forever etched in my memory as a day of sadness.  Just as March 17 will always be a day of immense happiness. 

Take a moment every once in a while and remember that military troops are constantly being deployed.  No matter what you hear on the news about the war being over or ending soon, they are still being sent over.  Right now the tours in the Army are nine months with no r&r.  So for nine months they will not see their loved ones in person.  The Army could change this at any given moment.  They have added to people's tours before and they could again.  Pray that they don't.  

If you would like to read the post I wrote about the day Michael left click here.  

Thank you all for helping me through this life so far.  I am eternally thankful.

The Merry-Go-Round of Friends

Very, very soon one of our favorite families on this street will be pulling out of their driveway to start the drive to their new duty station.  

This is the first time that we have had to watch a set of great friends leave.  I know it won't be our last.

Army life is funny.  They throw you into a duty station knowing practically no one.  You are usually away from family and all of your friends.  They expect you to survive without your soldier for months and months at a time.  So what do you do?  You find friends who know what you are going through and you hang onto them for dear life. 

Michael and I have a hard time finding real friends.  We are friendly with everyone and everyone loves Michael.  Sometimes I am harder to love.  :)  So when we find people that we are compatible with we are thrilled to pieces.  

We love hanging out with this family.  They are hilarious and fun and help out whenever they can.  They will be greatly missed.

So starts the craziness of losing friends, gaining new neighbors and wondering if the new neighbors will be crazy.  Fun times.  

There are other precious people who will be leaving eventually.  Until then I will enjoy every moment I can with them, nurture these relationships that I hold so dear and find a chain big enough to chain myself to their moving truck on moving day.  

What?  I can protest with the best of them believe me. 

"Heck no they can't go!!!  Heck no they can't go!!!"  ;)

Memorial Day and BBQs

I have been posting a lot of Memorial Day stuff on Facebook.  Trying to have everyone remember what this day is really for.

Know what?  I have kind of been leading a double life on this one.

As a wife of an active duty soldier, who has been deployed once already in his 1 1/2 years in, I have a bad habit of thinking of Memorial Day as a day for BBQs.

No I am not stupid.  Yes I really *do* know what today is about.  My grandfather served.  My father-in-law served.  My cousin, Michael's best friend, my person's husband and my husband are all currently serving.  Think about it though.  Really think about it.

Wikipedia - "Memorial Day is a federal holiday observed annually in the United States on the last Monday of May. Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces."

I am thankful for all of the men and women who have died serving our country.  We owe them more than we will ever be able to repay them.

I think about the families most.  The people left behind when someone who is serving dies.   The wives and mothers and fathers and husbands and children and sisters and brothers and all of the extended family.  They will never be the same.  

Put yourself in my shoes.  My husband is active duty for at least another year and nine months.  He has already deployed once and there is always a chance he will deploy again in the time he has left.  Does he have a typically dangerous job?  No.  Does that mean that he is safe?  No.  No one is really safe while at war.  

So although I do remember, today I will be pretending that it is all about BBQs and friends.  I have said a prayer for all those who have been lost, their families and everyone still serving.  

I don't want to think about losing anyone I love today or any day really.  Especially my precious husband.

"A day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces."

We have a big picture of a soldier with a flag behind him in our staircase.  The scripture on it reads:

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends"  John 15:13

The Second Piece of Cake

You know when you are sitting there with a really great piece of cake and while you are eating it you are already thinking about the second piece you will be having momentarily?

No? Just me?!? Oh well . . that's why I am dieting. Follow me down the rabbit hole anyway.

So you get the second piece of cake. You start eating it and about three bites in you realize it doesn't taste nearly as good as you thought it would. Then the guilt about the calories start. Then the tummy ache. We have all said it . . . " I shouldn't have had a second piece!"

That is how I feel right now about the Army.

It sounded like a good plan that would take care of our family and give Michael the chance to do what he has always wanted to do (even though he isn't doing what he wanted to do). We prayed. Hard. We did our research. Michael had a really great recruiter. We talked and talked and talked. I supported any decision he made. I still do, but in the back of my head I heard the screaming that I wasn't going to like this life.

I pushed the screaming down. I could make it. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he wouldn't get deployed for a while. Maybe this would be easier than we all thought.

This whole experience has been harder than I ever thought it could be. I don't like to be apart from my husband. He is deployed. By the time he gets back we will have been together 3 months out of the past 18 months. I am in an ugly place on a daily basis.

I feel sick to my tummy regularly that we are in a situation, that we volunteered for, but that we can't get out of until his contract is up. This isn't a normal job that you can leave when you want. He still isn't sure he is getting out when his contract is up, and I have to be ok with that. I support him.

Before I get a lashing for this post - I know it isn't the Army per-se, but it has been my experiences with the Army. I know we chose this life. I know that not everyone feels this way. I hate feeling like I have to put a disclaimer on every post to make sure I don't offend anyone.

I just spend a lot of time with a bad taste in my mouth, guilt and a tummy ache.

See the second piece of cake reference? I'm not toally crazy.

Oh and did you think I ate cake?? Ummmm no! I am sticking to my diet. No cake for me.

Home and Being Happy

I find myself having moments of feeling like this is home.
Having moments of being actually happy.

Guilt comes first. This is where we live and I am trying my best to make it a home.

He's not here. It can't be home.

Well that's stupid Heather. It can be home. You are here. The kids are safe. Michael would want you to be happy as much as you can.

How can I be happy? He's not here.

I miss him.
We miss him.
He should be here.

The constant struggle is hard to make a home and be happy when the person that completes the family and the home is away.

I KNOW I should happy. It's still hard.

We will leave this place eventually. This is a fact if he stays in or doesn't re-up.

I love this house. This place. This weather. The people. Well most of the people anyway.

I love my husband more.

Day 22 of Deployment 1

I can't believe it has been three weeks since my love left. Wow.

The house is as finished as it is going to get. This fact rocks my world. Life is starting to look more "normal".

This has been labeled a fun week by the boys. I think we all need a little fun.

Today I finished cleaning the house up. After the beating I took from the table yesterday, this was a big deal.

Then we went to one of the splash parks on base. Very busy but a lot of fun. Came home and let the kids make a mess with craft stuff.

Crazy day for us. ;)

Day 1 of Deployment 1

He was taken away on a bus.

I know he walked on the bus. I know he signed up for this. I know it was his own free will to join the Army. But he was taken.

We didn't want him to go. He didn't want to go. In fact, everything in us was screaming in an ugly way for him not to go. He was taken.

When he got on the bus I started to shake. I couldn't stop. Everything in my being knew that this was ever so wrong. I couldn't breathe. The kids cried. I wanted to scream and make them take him off the bus.

I didn't though. I am proud of that.

We stood there, waving and making the "I love you" sign. I couldn't leave until I couldn't see the bus anymore. I think it was because I wanted them to turn around. I stood at the road and watched the bus holding the love of my life drive away. Painful doesn't cover the emotions I had. Helpless is a better word.

Then we dried up our tears and went home. Life had to go on.

The rest of the day was just me trying to survive. I fed the kids. I didn't want to eat. I got the trash ready for the next day and everything ready for bulk pick up. I missed him in everything I did.

I would be ok and then break down. He is in everything we do. Still.

He will be ok. He will come home. Alive and whole. I HAVE to believe this.

Or I would go completely crazy.

My Deployment Requests

I want to start off by saying that I do not want this post to come off as rude or offensive or anything else negative. These are just my thoughts regarding this deployment so far.

Deployment sucks for Michael and I. It may not suck for everyone, but for us this is really high on the "how the heck are we going to survive this" list. We work best when we're together. We both really enjoy each others company and are best friends. So, for us, being told that you will be apart from your other half for a year is like being told not to breathe.

People seem to say things without thinking because they don't know how to respond. I understand. I wouldn't have known how to respond before either. So the following is my ramble about what I would like/dislike during this time. :)

Don't tell me "You can do this". I KNOW I can do it, I just don't want to. Now there are a very few people who can say this to me, and they know who they are. Other than them, it is just irritating to hear it over and over and over. I know people are trying to encourage me, but it registers in my brain as "well duh!!".

See why I warned you at the start of all this??

I don't need any of your cute sayings about being a grown up. "Pull up your big girl panties" and anything alike I am not fond of right now. Again there is one person who can say these types of things to me, but it is because we have nearly 19 years of history. She can say just about anything she wants and I am ok with it.

Please don't say anything like "Well you KNEW he would be deployed!!!" or "This comes with the job and you knew that right?!?" Yes we knew. We weren't stupid. We knew he would be deployed. We both hoped it would be later this year though. We also underestimated how much we really love being with each other. Sounds stupid, but we really thought it would be easier. It isn't easy. At all.

Don't assume because I miss him and really need him here, that it is because I need him to do stuff around here. I can handle my own around the house. I have found there have been a few things that he normally did, like put up the fire tent for the boys, that I am having to learn. BUT I don't need my husband to take care of the kids or stuff around the house. He does because he loves me, but that isn't why I miss him.

Don't remind me "it's only a year" or "it'll go by fast" or "put your kids in childcare so you can have some alone time" (I can't do that because of shot record requirements).

Don't forget that this is very hard on all of us for different reasons. It is hard on us here at home because we don't have Michael. We miss him. It is equally hard on Michael. Some forget that not all soldiers are made for this. Michael holds all the wonderful traits of being a soldier. He lacks the ability to turn off his want to be with us and be home. He is a very hands on Daddy and this is killing him. So on top of the heat, the uncomfortable conditions and fear he also has to deal with the pain of not seeing us.

If you just thought to yourself "well he KNEW this would happen" or " that is just part of the job", please stop reading my blog and take yourself off my friends list. Thank.you.very.much.

I could go on and on about how irritated I have gotten at people's responses to me and other friends, but I won't.

I will say please call me if we normally talk. Ask how I am doing. Let me vent.

I am allowed to be angry at times. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to grieve the momentary loss of my husband. This has felt at times a lot like when we had Sunny. I am losing someone very important to me, with no guarantee he will be coming home the same or at all. This feeling of having no control is hard for me. Hard for anyone. Let me have my moments.

If I offended anyone, that wasn't my point. My point was to speak my mind. I feel better now.

Moving Forward

I am very happy my husband is home. Believe me I am. I am also, however, very stressed with everything going on with the move.

Some is Army stuff. A lot is Army stuff. But I will not go down that road right now, because that isn't why I sat down to write.

I sat down to write about the stress and how it, well, stresses our marriage.

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. I am proud of the way we are, most of the time. We aren't perfect, but we ARE perfect for each other.

I love that one of my closest friends said something like "I don't know two people who were more made for each other than the two of you".

Wow. She's been married a good while ya'll. She's been through it and seen it and SHE thinks we were made for each other.

Warms my heart right up.

We are not always nice to each other. I am not good at handling stress and he struggles with handling me when I am stressed. ;)

These things didn't just pop up over night though. He knew I was this way and I knew he was the way he is. We fell in love with each other like this and although we may change slightly we still love each other very much.

We fight. We are not always nice. We are human. BUT we really love each other.

He is my perfect man. I strive to be his perfect woman. There is, always has been and always will be love. No matter the stress.

So I will take each day, hour, minute and second as it comes and pray with each breath that we will keep the love and try to be more kind.

I will NOT however pray for patience.

I don't have a deathwish ya know. ;)

Fort Drum . . . Here We Come

Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it. hahaha *snort*

A'hem . . back to being a tad bit more serious. :)

Most everyone knows that we got our orders from the Army and we will be stationed at Fort Drum, New York. We are excited even though the general information from people is that because of the snow we will hate it. We are staying positive.

Michael and I thought that a place totally different from Texas would be fun. I guess we will see.

The main concern right now is finding housing and keeping us all warm when we get there. Which will be in about 3 weeks. Wow . . . that is crazy to say.

I have lived outside of Texas before, for a short while, but Michael hasn't until he went to BCT. This will be very new to him and the kiddos.

With everything new there are moments of fear and anxiety, but I believe it will all work out to be the best thing ever. I am thrilled at the thought of having four seasons . . . even if winter dominates most of the year. ;)

There are other fears as well. This duty station seems to deploy a lot. That is a whole other ball of wax in my anxiety department. God will watch over us. I know this. So I will try to have peace.

Here are some links to info on Fort Drum. Enjoy!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Drum,_New_York
http://www.drum.army.mil/Pages/index.aspx

http://maps.yahoo.com/#mvt=m&lat=38.586385&lon=-85.930535&zoom=6&q1=Greenville%2C%20tx%2075402&q2=Fort%20Drum%2C%20NY%2C%2013603 Hoping this one works. :)

Blessings,

Heather

Army Friends

I am a new Army wife. We are a new Army family. Really new.

I say that because all I know, right now, of my Army life to come is what I hear about. We are in limbo, and so are all the other wonderful loved ones that I have met since Michael started Basic. Good thing.

What is it good you ask? It is good because I am not alone.

That is something I am seeing more and more in this life. The other Army wives/girlfriends know how I feel.

Now they may not know exactly, because our situations might differ some, but they know what it is like to be in limbo.

Hurry up and wait is something we joke about a lot in Army life, but it is the truth. We are waiting.

Waiting to find out where we will be stationed, when our soldiers will be deployed, and it seems we are always waiting to see them.

What has made this bearable for me is the people I have met. Thank God for Facebook right now. This social network has been my life saver over the past few months. I have met and become very close to some of these amazing women who are going through the same thing I am going through.

The thing I love about the women I have met so far is that they are their to pick me up when needed and I can do the same (although I usually need to be picked up more than them lol). I see amazing love coming from these other families that inspires me to love my husband more. I am becoming a better person by knowing these women.

So, thank you all for your friendship so far. I hope to know you all for a long, long time.

Time Wasted

Let me start off by saying I won't take anything away from what people who have been together for less time have, and I am respectful of the people who have been together for longer. Michael and I have made a life together. Love is love no matter the time.

Michael and I have been together for seven years. Seven wonderful, hard, trying, loving years. We have made life and seen death. We have gone through the ugliest you can imagine and been in the most wonderful of moments together. Together is the key word here.

We were always together, but not always in the same place. We would just be going through the motions of life and not thinking of the other's feelings or needs. One of the hardest lessons that Michael and I are learning right now is that we wasted time with each other. We always assumed that the other would be right beside us if we needed them. We would always have the other there to say I love you, kiss, hold, say sorry to and appreciate. That isn't the case now.

I think a lot of our anxiety and stress is from all of this wasted time.

Michael and I have the stuff of legend. We have not always treated our relationship and each other as that is the case, but we are a rare thing. We are meant for each other. We compliment each other and hold the other up when needed. We are the real deal.

In the past few weeks this wasted time has been on both of our minds. The stuff that we should have done, the time that should have been taken, the emotions that should have been shared . . . it is a heavy burden for both of us. The weight of the limited time we have together and the unknown that is our life right now magnifies the fact that we wasted time.

I know most people will say, well just forget about that now and start over. Well I am all for the whole "do better when you know better" thing, but I don't want to forget this. Forgetting the wasted time might lead us back down that path.

So I don't want to forget that I should have

rubbed his back and feet more.
left him alone when he was having a hard day.
left him alone when he wanted to play video games.
kissed him more.
hugged him more.
shut my mouth more often.
appreciated him for who he is.
followed his lead.
loved him more.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. I should've done a lot. So this Army lesson has hit home, and I pray we have time together to actually be together.

Have you loved on your loved one today???

Anxious To See Them?!?

Why yes, we are. This seems to be a common theme between all my Army wives/girlfriends. We love our husbands/boyfriends. We totally support them. We count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until we get to see them again. BUT, and this is a huge but, we are scared to death to see them.

I thought that it was just me or just because it was graduation from Basic last time. I mean that was a total change. We went weeks without talking to each other. I didn't know how he would react to me or the kids. There were a ton of unknowns. Everything was wonderful, but the anxiety and stress beforehand was something of legend. After it was all over and done, I was glad I would never have to go through that again. I am hilarious right?!?!

Here we are, days away from seeing our soldiers (I hate calling my husband that but it is easier here) and the anxiety and stress is looming. I hear it from everywhere, which I am thankful for. I thought it was just me. So glad I am not the only crazy one. :)

What are we anxious about you ask? EVERYTHING!! I specifically am nervous about my weight, my body, my hair (which I have colored a different color since graduation), how the kids will react to him, if our room will be ok for him, how we will fit in the queen bed that Bella has taken over since he left, how his dog will react to him, how Christmas will be, will we have things to talk about, will the stress of him having to leave again take over the last few days and everything in between all that. Crazy? Maybe. This is what goes through my head everyday.

The funny thing is that I am not the only crazy one . . . I mean alone in this. I hear it from people all the time. So although we are thrilled to pieces to have our precious soldiers back at home, there is still worry.

Our life is still in limbo. We don't know where we will be living, when we will be moving, when he will be deployed and all that goes with that. I am trying my best not to let the impending doom (as Michael loves to call it) take over and steal my joy. We will see how I do.

So as I sit here right now, knowing that I am not the only person counting down for exodus, I stress over everything. I know that the second I see his face, everything will be wonderful. All of my worries will melt away and I will be whole again. The kids will have their daddy back. Michael's family will get to see him for the first time in three months. The dog will have her boyfriend back (lol). All will be back to some sort of normal.

For two weeks at least . . . .

If these walls could talk

So bear with me on this one people . . .there is wisdom here somewhere. :)

You see these pictures of this crazy room? You may see too many beds, too much stuff and waaay too much Transformers for a bedroom. Right?!?

I see years of love. You see, 7 years ago, on this date, I went to the house that we live in now for the first time. Michael lived with his parents when we met. The room that we all live in, without him, now is the room he had when we met. This room and this house holds very special memories to both of us.

That first night, trying to get out to this house, was crazy. I went home and made sure that I was all pretty, which made me later than I wanted to be. The directions out here consists of all numbers. I was new to that and doing it in the dark scared me. I made it to the drive way just as the sun went down.

This is the room that we first stayed up and watched tons and tons of movies. I mean we stayed up laaaate! Like 3 am late.

We talked for hours and hours. Crazy hours!

I had brunch with his parents, here, a few days after the first trip out here. I put a lot of miles on my car back then.

We played connect four Christmas night our first Christmas together. That led to us looking at Christmas lights. Oh the love of Christmas lights we share.

This is the room we lived in after we had our angel, Sunny, and I lost my mind. No really. His parents have let us live in this room time after time when life has thrown us curve balls. We alway pick ourselves up and move on, but we have often called this our true home.

He proposed to me in this room . . . . months after we were married. It was a detail he had let slip his mind. ;)

We found out we were pregnant with two of our children living in this house. The smells in this house can cause me great sickness . . . no offence to my in-laws here. It is just the normal smell/pregnancy thing that hits a lot of women. I still struggle with the normal smell of my mother-in-law's pantry. Ugh. . . makes me sick every time I get in there.

I used to sit and watch tv while he was working the weekends during the cold winter months that we lived here before we had babies. Foodnetwork was my favorite. I would plan what all I would make for him after we moved into our own place.

We watched finding Nemo for the first time here while his mother made him Tuna and Noodles. She loves to make him happy. That was also the day we went to find an apartment together.

We did a lot of crying for Sunny and the fear over losing Johnathon and Gabriel here.

This where we had our wedding. In the front yard. Again, thank God the neighbors moved the cows. I wouldn't change anything about that day, other than I wish I hadn't been so ill.

I could go on and on about the love that has been built in this room.

All of those memories are why it is so hard to live here without Michael. I sit in this room nursing Bella or getting my kids ready for bed, and all I can think of is that Michael isn't here. Everything in this house is a reminder of my sweet husband. I know he is just in Virginia, but that is too far away.

I can't wait for Christmas!

It is "Basic"ally over

So here I am again. I am terrible at this blog stuff. Just too busy. :)

Michael graduated from BCT (Basic Combat Training) a couple of weeks ago. Woohoo!! We are all so very proud of him. He is now in Virginia for AIT (Advanced Induvidual Training).

We had a blast at the long awaited graduation. I was able to meet some very good friends that I had only been able to talk to. It was so nice to be able to meet them in person. Thank you all for being there for me!!!

Being without him at home again is a bit much. We did a lot of traveling before and after graduation. That post will have to wait. :)

Until then I will be Army strong . . . .try to be Army strong . . . Army kinda-strong? Oh heck . . . I will just try to BE!!!

They break them down, so they can build them back up

If I had a penny for every time I heard that phrase, I would be rich by now. I know that is what they do to the soldiers, but I was oblivious to the fact that they do it to the loved ones also.

Until now.

I know, I know. I am going to hear stuff from lots of people over this post and I am ok with that. I totally understand why they do it to our soldiers. They have to change them. They have to make them different people so that they can act as a team and learn to work under pressure. It doesn't mean that I, or Michael, like this fact. BUT we knew all of that before starting this journey.

What I didn't know if how they would break me. The total lack of information given by the Army during boot camp, coupled with the fact that our soldiers don't get to contact us very often if at all, makes for a miserable boot camp experience. I will admit it, I am broken. They might have set a new record with how fast they broke this Army wife. I have been lost trying to learn what I can do, what I can't, what I can send to him, and what I can't. Learning how to treat him while he is in uniform and how I should act at graduation. How I should act really isn't any different than how I would usually act, but still I have to make sure.

The Co. that Michael is in has a Facebook page. An angel runs this page. She has been amazing at letting us know how things work and what to expect. If it wasn't for her, I swear I would lose my mind. Really, really go crazy. She is amazing. I will hug her at graduation if she allows me to, and I am sure I am not the only one with this request. :)

They break them down, so they can build them back up. That I understand. I can even, sort of, understand them breaking the loved ones down. BUT when, if I may ask, do they build us back up???

We get to see our soldier for a day at graduation. Is that when? I get to drive Michael to his AIT. Is that when?

There is a constant fear that after we are posted somewhere that he will be deployed. I know that isn't when I will be built back up.

I love the Army for helping Michael with a dream he has had for a very long time. Longer than we have been together. I am proud of Michael, and every other soldier out there, in training or not. I am thankful for the Drill Sergeants that are doing their best to train my husband and lots of other soldiers for the worst while hoping for the best. I am thankful for all of this. I really am, and I can't say with all certainty that I would change where we are right now.

I just want to know when I get built back up?

He is my lobster

I can't believe that it has only been almost three weeks since Michael left. I feel like it has been an eternity. The kids still tell me daily how much they miss him . . . . I am glad it isn't just me.

He has been my rock since I met him.

He is the one person that I could always count on to be on my side.

He has literally saved my life on a couple of occasions.

He was by my side throughout each pregnancy and there when I delivered all of our babies, in one form or another.

He has supported me, with some voicing of opinion, throughout all of my crazy ideas.

He is the most amazing father that I could have ever asked for with our kiddos. He is loving and attentive and just down right amazing.

He loves sweets, watching movies (especially scary ones), bowling, music of all kinds, playing with the kids, working out and all kinds of Wii. All the everyday things that I love and miss now that he is gone.

He is the amazing man, that a year ago, truly began following Christ and changed a lot in our lives because of this. He was always a believer but he has really become an amazing follower and is leading us, as a family, down the right path. He is an amazing leader like that.

I am truly lucky to be able to call Michael my husband. I am proud to carry his name, even if we always joke that being a "Qualls" leads to bad luck. He is my love.

So as I sit here, stalking the Facebook page that they have for his regiment to catch a glimpse of him, I wanted everyone else to know that I don't just miss him because he helps me with the kids.

I don't just miss him because he is usually just here.

I miss him because he is Michael . . . and Michael and I have a special relationship. He is my lobster.

If you don't get that line it was on a Friends episode. :)

An Army of Four

My wonderful husband left for Army Basic Training on September 12. Well he left us that day. He actually left Texas on Monday September 13. His boot camp is in South Carolina. He called last Saturday. Talking to him was harder than I had thought. We miss him lots.



Since he has been gone we have been trying to adjust to life without him. This has been harder than I thought it would be. Michael had been home for over a year since he was laid off from his last job. He had become an important part of our daily lives. I knew that he wouldn't be home forever, but I didn't originally think that when the days of him being home were over that he would be really, really gone. He is gone gone. Neither of us have any control over when we get to talk. This has never been an issue in our almost 7 year long relationship. We have been very close since we started dating.



I mean really close. I can count on one hand the number of days we haven't spoken since we met and the number of days we haven't seen each other on two hands. Well, until now. :) We work well together. We always have. We are made to compliment each other. I am not saying we are perfect, at all, but we do work . . . without much work. Is that clear as mud?

All of this to say that we miss him. I miss him. He is missed.