Finding Balance

Finding balance is tough. I think we will be working on it forever, BUT I am making progress.

I have changed the way I am eating and it seems to be working right now. I still crave the bad things. My brain still wants to over eat and stuff my face with crap, but it is getting better. Balance.

Michael and I are talking more right now and that is awesome. I do have to limit myself to how long I sit at the computer with him or the house goes crazy. Balance.

The house is getting easier to deal with. The list of bigger projects is slimming down and it more just the day to day chores around here. Those still keep me busy most of the time, but I am finding more time to rest and spend time with my kiddos. Balance.

Things in our life are always changing and I find that hard. Decisions are being discussed as to whether we will stay in the Army or get out when his contract is over. Lots of variables that cause stress and worry. God is in control of those things and will help us make the choices as long as we listen to His still small voice. That is hard though. This is where my balance is very off.

I want to take charge of everything and be proactive. I know what I want for our lives. It is Godly and is best for our family. The question is if it is God's plan. Something I am learning, painfully, is that God doesn't promise us that we will be happy. He promises that He will take care of our needs, but not all of our wants. We are to be Godly people. Not necessarily happy. We have to CHOOSE to be happy where God is putting us. Finding balance between what our hearts desire and what God wants from us. Balance.

Balance is tough, but we will get there.

The Second Piece of Cake

You know when you are sitting there with a really great piece of cake and while you are eating it you are already thinking about the second piece you will be having momentarily?

No? Just me?!? Oh well . . that's why I am dieting. Follow me down the rabbit hole anyway.

So you get the second piece of cake. You start eating it and about three bites in you realize it doesn't taste nearly as good as you thought it would. Then the guilt about the calories start. Then the tummy ache. We have all said it . . . " I shouldn't have had a second piece!"

That is how I feel right now about the Army.

It sounded like a good plan that would take care of our family and give Michael the chance to do what he has always wanted to do (even though he isn't doing what he wanted to do). We prayed. Hard. We did our research. Michael had a really great recruiter. We talked and talked and talked. I supported any decision he made. I still do, but in the back of my head I heard the screaming that I wasn't going to like this life.

I pushed the screaming down. I could make it. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he wouldn't get deployed for a while. Maybe this would be easier than we all thought.

This whole experience has been harder than I ever thought it could be. I don't like to be apart from my husband. He is deployed. By the time he gets back we will have been together 3 months out of the past 18 months. I am in an ugly place on a daily basis.

I feel sick to my tummy regularly that we are in a situation, that we volunteered for, but that we can't get out of until his contract is up. This isn't a normal job that you can leave when you want. He still isn't sure he is getting out when his contract is up, and I have to be ok with that. I support him.

Before I get a lashing for this post - I know it isn't the Army per-se, but it has been my experiences with the Army. I know we chose this life. I know that not everyone feels this way. I hate feeling like I have to put a disclaimer on every post to make sure I don't offend anyone.

I just spend a lot of time with a bad taste in my mouth, guilt and a tummy ache.

See the second piece of cake reference? I'm not toally crazy.

Oh and did you think I ate cake?? Ummmm no! I am sticking to my diet. No cake for me.

The Weight Of Me

Those of you who know me . . . I mean really know me . . . know that I truly have a struggle with food. This isn't some run of the mill, hormonal time of the month thing. I have issues people.

I thought that I had it figured out in 2003-2004 when I lost a bunch of weight and was eating well and working out 5 times a week. I can use all the excuses in the world to explain what happened if you want me to. I got married, had three kids, I stay at home, I live with family, my husband is gone, blah blah blah.

I don't even want to hear all that anymore. I can tell you when it all fell apart. When our first baby became an angel. When we found out about Sunny, everything fell apart. I didn't want to live at all. Michael, being the wonderful man he is, did anything he could to make me happy.

What made me happy? Eating. I went right back to my old ways of overeating. He kept me happy letting me eat anything I wanted. It isn't his fault at all. He was doing all he could at the time. Remember, as I forgot at the time, he was grieving right along with me, but he had to take care of my sorry butt.

Anyway, so over the last six years I have put on and taken off weight. Ugh! I hate it. I have lost some weight over the past few months, but I feel is creeping back on because of the craziness of the holiday season.

I have given up on worrying about it until after Michael leaves, because I just can't people!! January 3 will be the first day of my new way of living. I have to. I am too overweight. I don't like my body. I don't like the way I feel. I don't like it at all.

I have lots to overcome. Living with my wonderful in-laws (no sarcasm there at all I really love them) makes it hard to eat right. We will be moving at some point, and there is a lot of stress in my life at all times. I also struggle with how to eat. I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) which causes carbs to be really bad for me, and the suggested way of eating is an Atkins type approach. BUT I would like to eat veggies and rice and fruit instead. I love the clean diet approach. Thoughts?

So I am going to change it. One of my friend's put a quote on Facebook (not sure of the author) that I just loved.

"If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree."

LOVE that!!! I am totally going to change it. This will be my year . . .