The Empty Dresser

My room is more crowded than normal. 

There is a new dresser next to my bed and tubs of baby clothes/cloth diapers stacked along one wall.

Michael keeps nicely asking me to wash all the clothes and put them away.  "You love looking through it all and putting it away."

He is right.  I do love the art of nesting.  I did it with Johnathon the night before my water broke.  Then I did it with Gabriel about 35 weeks and Bella about 36 weeks. 

I am 29 weeks right now and the only thing that goes through my mind is how I don't want to have to empty the full dresser out if something happens and I don't get to keep her.

Morbid?  Probably.      Do I have the right to have the thought?  Yes. 

I haven't ever personally lost one this far in pregnancy, but I know people who have. 

There are many, many perks to being a part of the birth community.  Knowing things such as loss is not one of them.

I am terrified I will wash, carefully fold, and put away all of this baby girl's clothes just to find out something has happened to her. 

I know I shouldn't think like that.  Michael reminds me often that I should be happy and think of only positive things.  I try and try, but I just can't. 

So I will do my best not to get emotional when I buy the baby detergent and unscented diaper soap for her tomorrow.  Even something that small brings out my anxiety. 

Using those detergents and putting her clothes away will have to wait for another day. 

Hey....at least I have bought stuff for her.  That is a step.

That Which Reminds Me Of Deployment

Michael has field for the next two-ish weeks.  This is our first field experience and we are not sure what to expect.  Those two things alone bring up some anxiety. 

When Michael left for deployment we were unsure of where he was going, what he would be doing, when we would be able to speak to him again, if he would be safe, and when he would be home.

Now I do know when Michael will be home, I know where abouts he will be and we know he will be safe.  So the anxiety isn't anywhere close to as bad as it was when he left for deployment. 

There are the little things that trigger those emotions that only deployment or a long separation can bring up.

The truck is out front, but he isn't home.
I have put away the last of his laundry until he gets back.
I can't text him and expect a reply.
He won't be home for breakfast, lunch or supper.
I will be sleeping and waking up without him.

The kids have already commented that he would be home for breakfast by now. 

Two weeks isn't that long.  None of us are worried about it and we aren't sitting on the couch in tears like we were when he deployed.  You *can* tell though that the stress from deployment is not far enough away for him to be gone again.  At least in our hearts.

There is also the added thoughts that this will be the longest we have ever been apart when I have been pregnant.  I do have comfort that I have great friends who will help me if something comes up, and that I would be able to reach him if there was a true emergency. 

We do have much joy to expect when he gets back.  It looks like he will actually be here for Bella's birthday for the first time in her life.  Well except for the day she was born.  He did catch her after all.  :)

This is just another learning experience for us.  He will be going to field a lot next year and will be gone longer and a lot further away.  We are already preparing for another deployment.  He will miss a lot of Sarah's first year.

But we will cross that emotionally charged bridge when we come to it.....

Day 1 of Deployment Revisited

It has been a year since Michael left for his first deployment.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about this day.  I thought that I would be able to look back and smile.  Be able to be happy that we made it through the deployment.  To be thankful for all that we have made it through.  I am all those things, but I am also emotional.

Blame it on the pregnancy maybe, but I cry every time I think about the day he left.   How I felt that day is burned into my memory forever.  

I remember how the kids felt and acted.  I remember Michael being unable to fake a smile.  The way he didn't smell like himself because of the new uniform.  The quietness of Michael holding Bella as she slept on his shoulder.  I knew his arms were tired, but he wouldn't put her down.  The boys tried to play, but couldn't find their fun.  What it felt like to watch the bus drive out of sight.    How I shook uncontrollably.  The feeling of getting home and knowing he wouldn't be there for a long time.  Instinctively watching the clock around the time he would be getting home, and remembering he wouldn't be coming home.  Explaining to Bella every morning, for weeks, how daddy wouldn't be home for a while.  How wrong it all felt. 

I am not cut out for this life.  I won't ever be. I am ok with that.  We are finding that neither of us are cut out for this.  I envy people who are.  Those who can bounce back after their love is sent away.  Those who can find the good in the situation and find a way to go on.  

So June 7 will be forever etched in my memory as a day of sadness.  Just as March 17 will always be a day of immense happiness. 

Take a moment every once in a while and remember that military troops are constantly being deployed.  No matter what you hear on the news about the war being over or ending soon, they are still being sent over.  Right now the tours in the Army are nine months with no r&r.  So for nine months they will not see their loved ones in person.  The Army could change this at any given moment.  They have added to people's tours before and they could again.  Pray that they don't.  

If you would like to read the post I wrote about the day Michael left click here.  

Thank you all for helping me through this life so far.  I am eternally thankful.

Lucky Number 13

I have been a proud member of the Qualls family for almost eight years.  Entering into Michael's family has been such a blessing.  I love them all.

Except for this one little thing.  We joke, but sometimes it seems to be true, that if you are a Qualls you have the worst luck ever.  Seriously.  If it can happen to one of us it will.  

Michael and I have always said that Friday the 13th is a lucky day for us.  The the Qualls family as a whole gets a break on that day from all the bad luck that seems to follow us.  So most of the time we like to say lucky number 13 is our number.

Unless you are talking about pregnancy.

I had the realization a couple of days ago that I was at the same point in my pregnancy that I was with Sunny when she had already passed away and I was just waiting for my d&c.  This made me over emotional.  I don't have a doppler yet to check on the baby.  Usually by this point I have one and when I get nervous I can just check on the baby's heartbeat and go about my day.

Thinking about being at that same point in this pregnancy made me cry.  I couldn't help it.  I can remember the horrible feeling of knowing that our precious, very wanted baby, was gone and all I was carrying around was a shell.  I can remember how we spent that whole day before my d&c.  We were all over at my sister-in-law's house.  We ate snickerdoodle cookies and watched the Summer Olympics.  

I cried all through the last Summer Olympics and I will probably cry all through the next one.  

Over the past couple of days I have been told the same general thing by two of my closest friends, who have suffered much more loss than I have.  They both said something to the extent of "I wish you didn't know what we know."

Such a true statement.  You can't unlearn what you know.  I know that my first baby died in my womb just a couple of days before I was 13 weeks and that the day I turned 13 weeks she was mechanically removed from my body.  I can't forget that or pretend it didn't happen.  I am not healed from that experience.  

Don't get me wrong, with each passing year it gets easier to get through Sunny's day.  The pain is still there, but I don't dread that day like I used to.  The pain comes to the surface much worse when I am pregnant.  Getting through the time when we lost her and making it through her day are all harder when I am worrying about another precious life in my womb.  

I am reminded what we lost.  I am reminded how the experience was anything but healing.  I remember that we are the parents of five babies right this second, not just the three living on Earth and the one growing in my belly.  

So, again, love me where I am.  I really am trying to be normal.  I would love to be one of these women who can go blissfully through their pregnancy never questioning if everything would be ok.  I just can't.  I will be ok with that.  Someday.

Memorial Day and BBQs

I have been posting a lot of Memorial Day stuff on Facebook.  Trying to have everyone remember what this day is really for.

Know what?  I have kind of been leading a double life on this one.

As a wife of an active duty soldier, who has been deployed once already in his 1 1/2 years in, I have a bad habit of thinking of Memorial Day as a day for BBQs.

No I am not stupid.  Yes I really *do* know what today is about.  My grandfather served.  My father-in-law served.  My cousin, Michael's best friend, my person's husband and my husband are all currently serving.  Think about it though.  Really think about it.

Wikipedia - "Memorial Day is a federal holiday observed annually in the United States on the last Monday of May. Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces."

I am thankful for all of the men and women who have died serving our country.  We owe them more than we will ever be able to repay them.

I think about the families most.  The people left behind when someone who is serving dies.   The wives and mothers and fathers and husbands and children and sisters and brothers and all of the extended family.  They will never be the same.  

Put yourself in my shoes.  My husband is active duty for at least another year and nine months.  He has already deployed once and there is always a chance he will deploy again in the time he has left.  Does he have a typically dangerous job?  No.  Does that mean that he is safe?  No.  No one is really safe while at war.  

So although I do remember, today I will be pretending that it is all about BBQs and friends.  I have said a prayer for all those who have been lost, their families and everyone still serving.  

I don't want to think about losing anyone I love today or any day really.  Especially my precious husband.

"A day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces."

We have a big picture of a soldier with a flag behind him in our staircase.  The scripture on it reads:

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends"  John 15:13

The Poorest We Have Ever Been

We had lived in our house for almost three years, and we got the feeling that we were supposed to move.  We were not sure where or how, since Michael didn't have a job.  

Did I mention I was 38 weeks pregnant when we started talking about this?  :)

Over the next six weeks everything fell into place for us to move out of our house and into a trailer.  I didn't say it fell into place in a good way, but it did fall.  :)

We moved to Wylie, Texas from Wolfe City, Texas when Bella was about 2 1/2 weeks old.  Craziness?  Yes.  It was a welcomed change though.  We didn't like the town we lived in and we didn't have enough money to make the drive to see family as often as we wanted.  It was good.

We lived in a nice trailer close to all kinds of stores and such that we had been so far away from for so long.  The problem with that is that we were poor.  I mean really poor.

I mean all of our bills, which were not that much, took all of our money which was just an unemployment check.  Michael had been looking for a job for a while, but we didn't see the point of him taking something that didn't at least make what the unemployment brought in.  Later came the army, but that isn't a post I have the stomach for now.  :)

While living in Wylie we didn't have any extra money.  We were eating what we could get from WIC with about $20 added to it a week.  Our families helped a ton, but money was still tight.  

Know the funny thing?  We were so very happy.  When Michael and look back at that time we only have great feelings about it.  We were going to church, learning about the bible and making major life decisions that we still follow today.  Some we don't.  *hangs head*

We can remember all of Bella's baby time there.  The boys discovering Veggie Tales and watching them over and over and over.  Turning on music and dancing around the house.  Cooking really great for you food with what we had.  Michael and I having lots of beautiful talks while I nursed itty bitty Bella.  

It was beautiful.  Makes me cry to think about.  Our time there ended quickly after Michael joined the army and we (gladly) moved in with his parents again.  Those days were beautiful too, but the relaxed love and family time was gone.  There was a deadline to our happiness.  I would have to take him to a Dallas hotel on September 12, 2010.  From there he would go to BCT and AIT.  Urgency and dread set in. 

But that isn't what this post is about.  This post is about those days when we ate chicken noodle soup for days on end and we were happy about it.  When snacky cakes at his parents house were the treat of the century and people were in awe that we could get all of us to church on time Sunday morning.  

I miss those days a lot.  Not that these days are beautiful and wonderful.  Believe me they are spectacular since he is home.  The dread is still always there.  When will go to field?  Will he miss another one of Bella's birthdays? (He has missed them all)  Will he deploy again?  Will he change his mind and stay in the army?

So here's to the innocence of Wylie.  Moral of this story?  We can be happy with little or nothing.  As long as we are together . . . anything is possible.

My Husband is The Bomb

Funny title?   Well he is.  

I love my husband.  

I still get butterflies when he comes home.  

I still think he is the hottest man ever.  Ever.

Why?  Well I can't really answer that.  :)

It might be chemistry.  Or God's will that I found my other half.

Or that I don't have to worry about him.

He knows his responsibilities, at work and at home, and doesn't shy away from them.  He is loyal and kind.  He loves me through all my crazy.  He is the best daddy around.  He plays with the kids and changes diapers without complaining.  He loves the Lord and does his best to lead us down the right path.  He listens to Lil Wayne when he really wants to listen to Mudvayne.  He is just the greatest.

He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me.  :)

I find that a lot of wives don't have much good to say about their husbands.  I am not saying that those wives aren't right or that they don't have the right to say what they say.  A lot of times they do.  

I am not perfect either.  I have said not nice things about him.  I always feel bad saying them though.  The good outweighs the bad for sure.  

I think the best thing I have learned to do is not to compare him with other men.  Real or not.  If I find myself comparing him to someone on TV or in a movie I have to remember that they are not real.  Those perfect relationships are written that way.  Those stories took lots of writing and planning and retake after retake before they were that "perfect".  

If I got jealous of a friend's relationship, I would think of something nice Michael does for me.  

Her husband brought her flowers.  Well Michael helps with the laundry.

Her husband surprised her with a date and babysitter.  Michael knows exactly what to buy me for birthdays and Christmas.  He never has to ask.

Her husband bought her a new car.  Michael knows that a new car wouldn't make me happy.  :)

It took training and lots of time to think this way.  I still have trouble sometimes.  My person always reminds me of the good and I do my best to snap out of it. 

Our nature is to never be content.  We always want more or something different.  So we have to learn to find the good in everything in our life and be content.  

He hugs me when I am upset.

He held me without me having to ask when we found out about Sunny.

He protects us with everything in his being.

He loves on my pregnant belly and can't wait for the baby to move where he can feel.

He knows what I hate, like and love.

He holds my hand.  

He makes me laugh all the time.

He is the love of my life and I won't forget it.

Bella turns two!

This is Bella's second birthday and Michael hasn't been here for either of them. That is ok though. He loves her and she knows that. He was the first person to touch her. I believe they have a special connection. So while I am sad he isn't here, and he is sad he isn't here . . . we will celebrate the birth of our precious daughter on opposite ends of the world.


Happy birthday precious little girl. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back and back again.

Finding Balance

Finding balance is tough. I think we will be working on it forever, BUT I am making progress.

I have changed the way I am eating and it seems to be working right now. I still crave the bad things. My brain still wants to over eat and stuff my face with crap, but it is getting better. Balance.

Michael and I are talking more right now and that is awesome. I do have to limit myself to how long I sit at the computer with him or the house goes crazy. Balance.

The house is getting easier to deal with. The list of bigger projects is slimming down and it more just the day to day chores around here. Those still keep me busy most of the time, but I am finding more time to rest and spend time with my kiddos. Balance.

Things in our life are always changing and I find that hard. Decisions are being discussed as to whether we will stay in the Army or get out when his contract is over. Lots of variables that cause stress and worry. God is in control of those things and will help us make the choices as long as we listen to His still small voice. That is hard though. This is where my balance is very off.

I want to take charge of everything and be proactive. I know what I want for our lives. It is Godly and is best for our family. The question is if it is God's plan. Something I am learning, painfully, is that God doesn't promise us that we will be happy. He promises that He will take care of our needs, but not all of our wants. We are to be Godly people. Not necessarily happy. We have to CHOOSE to be happy where God is putting us. Finding balance between what our hearts desire and what God wants from us. Balance.

Balance is tough, but we will get there.

The Second Piece of Cake

You know when you are sitting there with a really great piece of cake and while you are eating it you are already thinking about the second piece you will be having momentarily?

No? Just me?!? Oh well . . that's why I am dieting. Follow me down the rabbit hole anyway.

So you get the second piece of cake. You start eating it and about three bites in you realize it doesn't taste nearly as good as you thought it would. Then the guilt about the calories start. Then the tummy ache. We have all said it . . . " I shouldn't have had a second piece!"

That is how I feel right now about the Army.

It sounded like a good plan that would take care of our family and give Michael the chance to do what he has always wanted to do (even though he isn't doing what he wanted to do). We prayed. Hard. We did our research. Michael had a really great recruiter. We talked and talked and talked. I supported any decision he made. I still do, but in the back of my head I heard the screaming that I wasn't going to like this life.

I pushed the screaming down. I could make it. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he wouldn't get deployed for a while. Maybe this would be easier than we all thought.

This whole experience has been harder than I ever thought it could be. I don't like to be apart from my husband. He is deployed. By the time he gets back we will have been together 3 months out of the past 18 months. I am in an ugly place on a daily basis.

I feel sick to my tummy regularly that we are in a situation, that we volunteered for, but that we can't get out of until his contract is up. This isn't a normal job that you can leave when you want. He still isn't sure he is getting out when his contract is up, and I have to be ok with that. I support him.

Before I get a lashing for this post - I know it isn't the Army per-se, but it has been my experiences with the Army. I know we chose this life. I know that not everyone feels this way. I hate feeling like I have to put a disclaimer on every post to make sure I don't offend anyone.

I just spend a lot of time with a bad taste in my mouth, guilt and a tummy ache.

See the second piece of cake reference? I'm not toally crazy.

Oh and did you think I ate cake?? Ummmm no! I am sticking to my diet. No cake for me.

My Person

I have wonderful family and friends. They really are great.

But . . .

I am very thankful to have my person. You know who you are.

One friend who listens without judgement.
Who knows me and loves me anyway.
Who knows to ask "which way do you want me to go with my response?" before telling me her thoughts.

She stops what she is doing to talk to me. Believe me this is no small thing. She's a busy girl.

She has cried with me, told me to shut up and loved me in between for almost 19 years.

Thank you for being my person. I am blessed to have you as a friend.

Life is Heavy Sometimes

We all have moments where we feel like the world is on our shoulders. Sometimes the weight of it all is heavier than others.

Right now my life is very heavy.

I know that God will take the weight, but sometimes I just need to carry it myself. Good? Probably not, but I am still human.

Michael is gone. That is enough.

Add to that the laws here, being away from friends and family and a precious friend of mine finding out she has luekemia . . . . well I want to fall over.

It's not that I don't want people to talk to me. I want them to. I hate being out of the loop.

Life is just heavy. I will survive.

Just not sure when I will stand upright again.

Johnathon is 6

Happy birthday to our sweet son Johnathon.

His birth was hard, long and crazy but oh so worth it.

On this day six years ago we held our first precious son for the first time. Michael and I will never forget it.

He is artistic, emotional and smart. He loves like no other. Funny as all get out. (Did you know he has a birthday week? Not just a single day for this kid)

He shares a birthday with a special friend of mine and boy are they a lot alike.

May you grow with passion and life sweet boy. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back and back again.

Home and Being Happy

I find myself having moments of feeling like this is home.
Having moments of being actually happy.

Guilt comes first. This is where we live and I am trying my best to make it a home.

He's not here. It can't be home.

Well that's stupid Heather. It can be home. You are here. The kids are safe. Michael would want you to be happy as much as you can.

How can I be happy? He's not here.

I miss him.
We miss him.
He should be here.

The constant struggle is hard to make a home and be happy when the person that completes the family and the home is away.

I KNOW I should happy. It's still hard.

We will leave this place eventually. This is a fact if he stays in or doesn't re-up.

I love this house. This place. This weather. The people. Well most of the people anyway.

I love my husband more.

I am 31

I almost titled this post wrong.

I had to look at it again and think . . . hey! I'm not 32 yet!!!

This forgetfulness of my age is all Michael's fault.

Yes I am blaming him. What of it?

You see I met Michael when I was 23. He started my life over. He made me breathe different. Since meeting him, I have been alive.

So, in my head I have stopped at 23.

No I am serious. If someone asks me how old I am, I really struggle to not say "23". I have to think about it.

So, today on my birthday I may actually be turned 31 . . . but I just think of it as anothr day to spend with my precious husband and my family. This will be my 8th birthday spent with Michael and I hope to have 88 more to spend with him.

Thank you God for my family.

Happy birthday to me.

Moving Forward

I am very happy my husband is home. Believe me I am. I am also, however, very stressed with everything going on with the move.

Some is Army stuff. A lot is Army stuff. But I will not go down that road right now, because that isn't why I sat down to write.

I sat down to write about the stress and how it, well, stresses our marriage.

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. I am proud of the way we are, most of the time. We aren't perfect, but we ARE perfect for each other.

I love that one of my closest friends said something like "I don't know two people who were more made for each other than the two of you".

Wow. She's been married a good while ya'll. She's been through it and seen it and SHE thinks we were made for each other.

Warms my heart right up.

We are not always nice to each other. I am not good at handling stress and he struggles with handling me when I am stressed. ;)

These things didn't just pop up over night though. He knew I was this way and I knew he was the way he is. We fell in love with each other like this and although we may change slightly we still love each other very much.

We fight. We are not always nice. We are human. BUT we really love each other.

He is my perfect man. I strive to be his perfect woman. There is, always has been and always will be love. No matter the stress.

So I will take each day, hour, minute and second as it comes and pray with each breath that we will keep the love and try to be more kind.

I will NOT however pray for patience.

I don't have a deathwish ya know. ;)

Fort Drum . . . Here We Come

Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it. hahaha *snort*

A'hem . . back to being a tad bit more serious. :)

Most everyone knows that we got our orders from the Army and we will be stationed at Fort Drum, New York. We are excited even though the general information from people is that because of the snow we will hate it. We are staying positive.

Michael and I thought that a place totally different from Texas would be fun. I guess we will see.

The main concern right now is finding housing and keeping us all warm when we get there. Which will be in about 3 weeks. Wow . . . that is crazy to say.

I have lived outside of Texas before, for a short while, but Michael hasn't until he went to BCT. This will be very new to him and the kiddos.

With everything new there are moments of fear and anxiety, but I believe it will all work out to be the best thing ever. I am thrilled at the thought of having four seasons . . . even if winter dominates most of the year. ;)

There are other fears as well. This duty station seems to deploy a lot. That is a whole other ball of wax in my anxiety department. God will watch over us. I know this. So I will try to have peace.

Here are some links to info on Fort Drum. Enjoy!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Drum,_New_York
http://www.drum.army.mil/Pages/index.aspx

http://maps.yahoo.com/#mvt=m&lat=38.586385&lon=-85.930535&zoom=6&q1=Greenville%2C%20tx%2075402&q2=Fort%20Drum%2C%20NY%2C%2013603 Hoping this one works. :)

Blessings,

Heather

Time Wasted

Let me start off by saying I won't take anything away from what people who have been together for less time have, and I am respectful of the people who have been together for longer. Michael and I have made a life together. Love is love no matter the time.

Michael and I have been together for seven years. Seven wonderful, hard, trying, loving years. We have made life and seen death. We have gone through the ugliest you can imagine and been in the most wonderful of moments together. Together is the key word here.

We were always together, but not always in the same place. We would just be going through the motions of life and not thinking of the other's feelings or needs. One of the hardest lessons that Michael and I are learning right now is that we wasted time with each other. We always assumed that the other would be right beside us if we needed them. We would always have the other there to say I love you, kiss, hold, say sorry to and appreciate. That isn't the case now.

I think a lot of our anxiety and stress is from all of this wasted time.

Michael and I have the stuff of legend. We have not always treated our relationship and each other as that is the case, but we are a rare thing. We are meant for each other. We compliment each other and hold the other up when needed. We are the real deal.

In the past few weeks this wasted time has been on both of our minds. The stuff that we should have done, the time that should have been taken, the emotions that should have been shared . . . it is a heavy burden for both of us. The weight of the limited time we have together and the unknown that is our life right now magnifies the fact that we wasted time.

I know most people will say, well just forget about that now and start over. Well I am all for the whole "do better when you know better" thing, but I don't want to forget this. Forgetting the wasted time might lead us back down that path.

So I don't want to forget that I should have

rubbed his back and feet more.
left him alone when he was having a hard day.
left him alone when he wanted to play video games.
kissed him more.
hugged him more.
shut my mouth more often.
appreciated him for who he is.
followed his lead.
loved him more.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. I should've done a lot. So this Army lesson has hit home, and I pray we have time together to actually be together.

Have you loved on your loved one today???

And They Said I Couldn't Do It

In honor of our second son's forth birthday here is Gabriel's birth story. (edited from my note on Facebook)

I went into the hospital on December 13th to be induced. I know . . . I know but back then I didn't know any better. I thought I was going to have to have another c-section because he was breech.

I thought I had felt him turn that morning but I was not sure. Thank God that when I had the "let's make sure he is breech so we can section you again" sono he was head down. woohoo!!

The nurse put the monitors on me and told me I was contracting every 2 to 3 minutes. I didn't feel any of them. My CNM checked me and I was at a 4. So no foley bulb for me.

VBACing was something new to the drs and nurses at the hospital I was at. So I was already running uphill without taking into account my mental and emotional state. It was a painful process, but totally worth it. Michael was with me the entire time.

29 hours after I was told I was contracting . . . after 16 hour of Pitocin and no epidural . . . I pushed my precious second son out. I got to push him out!! No section for me. Again woohoo!!!

He was 7lbs 11oz and 20 3/4 inches long. Perfect! Healthy! Michael and I were in heaven!

Having him started me on my path to having our daughter as we did and me becoming a doula.

Happy birthday sweet Gabriel Stephen. You are a precious joy in our lives.

Having Sunny made me a mommy . . . having Johnathon made me a mommy with a baby to hold . . . and having Gabriel gave me my strength back . . . which led to my amazing husband delivering our daughter.

Anxious To See Them?!?

Why yes, we are. This seems to be a common theme between all my Army wives/girlfriends. We love our husbands/boyfriends. We totally support them. We count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until we get to see them again. BUT, and this is a huge but, we are scared to death to see them.

I thought that it was just me or just because it was graduation from Basic last time. I mean that was a total change. We went weeks without talking to each other. I didn't know how he would react to me or the kids. There were a ton of unknowns. Everything was wonderful, but the anxiety and stress beforehand was something of legend. After it was all over and done, I was glad I would never have to go through that again. I am hilarious right?!?!

Here we are, days away from seeing our soldiers (I hate calling my husband that but it is easier here) and the anxiety and stress is looming. I hear it from everywhere, which I am thankful for. I thought it was just me. So glad I am not the only crazy one. :)

What are we anxious about you ask? EVERYTHING!! I specifically am nervous about my weight, my body, my hair (which I have colored a different color since graduation), how the kids will react to him, if our room will be ok for him, how we will fit in the queen bed that Bella has taken over since he left, how his dog will react to him, how Christmas will be, will we have things to talk about, will the stress of him having to leave again take over the last few days and everything in between all that. Crazy? Maybe. This is what goes through my head everyday.

The funny thing is that I am not the only crazy one . . . I mean alone in this. I hear it from people all the time. So although we are thrilled to pieces to have our precious soldiers back at home, there is still worry.

Our life is still in limbo. We don't know where we will be living, when we will be moving, when he will be deployed and all that goes with that. I am trying my best not to let the impending doom (as Michael loves to call it) take over and steal my joy. We will see how I do.

So as I sit here right now, knowing that I am not the only person counting down for exodus, I stress over everything. I know that the second I see his face, everything will be wonderful. All of my worries will melt away and I will be whole again. The kids will have their daddy back. Michael's family will get to see him for the first time in three months. The dog will have her boyfriend back (lol). All will be back to some sort of normal.

For two weeks at least . . . .