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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Life is Heavy Sometimes

We all have moments where we feel like the world is on our shoulders. Sometimes the weight of it all is heavier than others.

Right now my life is very heavy.

I know that God will take the weight, but sometimes I just need to carry it myself. Good? Probably not, but I am still human.

Michael is gone. That is enough.

Add to that the laws here, being away from friends and family and a precious friend of mine finding out she has luekemia . . . . well I want to fall over.

It's not that I don't want people to talk to me. I want them to. I hate being out of the loop.

Life is just heavy. I will survive.

Just not sure when I will stand upright again.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Johnathon is 6

Happy birthday to our sweet son Johnathon.

His birth was hard, long and crazy but oh so worth it.

On this day six years ago we held our first precious son for the first time. Michael and I will never forget it.

He is artistic, emotional and smart. He loves like no other. Funny as all get out. (Did you know he has a birthday week? Not just a single day for this kid)

He shares a birthday with a special friend of mine and boy are they a lot alike.

May you grow with passion and life sweet boy. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back and back again.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Home and Being Happy

I find myself having moments of feeling like this is home.
Having moments of being actually happy.

Guilt comes first. This is where we live and I am trying my best to make it a home.

He's not here. It can't be home.

Well that's stupid Heather. It can be home. You are here. The kids are safe. Michael would want you to be happy as much as you can.

How can I be happy? He's not here.

I miss him.
We miss him.
He should be here.

The constant struggle is hard to make a home and be happy when the person that completes the family and the home is away.

I KNOW I should happy. It's still hard.

We will leave this place eventually. This is a fact if he stays in or doesn't re-up.

I love this house. This place. This weather. The people. Well most of the people anyway.

I love my husband more.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 22 of Deployment 1

I can't believe it has been three weeks since my love left. Wow.

The house is as finished as it is going to get. This fact rocks my world. Life is starting to look more "normal".

This has been labeled a fun week by the boys. I think we all need a little fun.

Today I finished cleaning the house up. After the beating I took from the table yesterday, this was a big deal.

Then we went to one of the splash parks on base. Very busy but a lot of fun. Came home and let the kids make a mess with craft stuff.

Crazy day for us. ;)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 1 of Deployment 1

He was taken away on a bus.

I know he walked on the bus. I know he signed up for this. I know it was his own free will to join the Army. But he was taken.

We didn't want him to go. He didn't want to go. In fact, everything in us was screaming in an ugly way for him not to go. He was taken.

When he got on the bus I started to shake. I couldn't stop. Everything in my being knew that this was ever so wrong. I couldn't breathe. The kids cried. I wanted to scream and make them take him off the bus.

I didn't though. I am proud of that.

We stood there, waving and making the "I love you" sign. I couldn't leave until I couldn't see the bus anymore. I think it was because I wanted them to turn around. I stood at the road and watched the bus holding the love of my life drive away. Painful doesn't cover the emotions I had. Helpless is a better word.

Then we dried up our tears and went home. Life had to go on.

The rest of the day was just me trying to survive. I fed the kids. I didn't want to eat. I got the trash ready for the next day and everything ready for bulk pick up. I missed him in everything I did.

I would be ok and then break down. He is in everything we do. Still.

He will be ok. He will come home. Alive and whole. I HAVE to believe this.

Or I would go completely crazy.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Deployment Requests

I want to start off by saying that I do not want this post to come off as rude or offensive or anything else negative. These are just my thoughts regarding this deployment so far.

Deployment sucks for Michael and I. It may not suck for everyone, but for us this is really high on the "how the heck are we going to survive this" list. We work best when we're together. We both really enjoy each others company and are best friends. So, for us, being told that you will be apart from your other half for a year is like being told not to breathe.

People seem to say things without thinking because they don't know how to respond. I understand. I wouldn't have known how to respond before either. So the following is my ramble about what I would like/dislike during this time. :)

Don't tell me "You can do this". I KNOW I can do it, I just don't want to. Now there are a very few people who can say this to me, and they know who they are. Other than them, it is just irritating to hear it over and over and over. I know people are trying to encourage me, but it registers in my brain as "well duh!!".

See why I warned you at the start of all this??

I don't need any of your cute sayings about being a grown up. "Pull up your big girl panties" and anything alike I am not fond of right now. Again there is one person who can say these types of things to me, but it is because we have nearly 19 years of history. She can say just about anything she wants and I am ok with it.

Please don't say anything like "Well you KNEW he would be deployed!!!" or "This comes with the job and you knew that right?!?" Yes we knew. We weren't stupid. We knew he would be deployed. We both hoped it would be later this year though. We also underestimated how much we really love being with each other. Sounds stupid, but we really thought it would be easier. It isn't easy. At all.

Don't assume because I miss him and really need him here, that it is because I need him to do stuff around here. I can handle my own around the house. I have found there have been a few things that he normally did, like put up the fire tent for the boys, that I am having to learn. BUT I don't need my husband to take care of the kids or stuff around the house. He does because he loves me, but that isn't why I miss him.

Don't remind me "it's only a year" or "it'll go by fast" or "put your kids in childcare so you can have some alone time" (I can't do that because of shot record requirements).

Don't forget that this is very hard on all of us for different reasons. It is hard on us here at home because we don't have Michael. We miss him. It is equally hard on Michael. Some forget that not all soldiers are made for this. Michael holds all the wonderful traits of being a soldier. He lacks the ability to turn off his want to be with us and be home. He is a very hands on Daddy and this is killing him. So on top of the heat, the uncomfortable conditions and fear he also has to deal with the pain of not seeing us.

If you just thought to yourself "well he KNEW this would happen" or " that is just part of the job", please stop reading my blog and take yourself off my friends list.

I could go on and on about how irritated I have gotten at people's responses to me and other friends, but I won't.

I will say please call me if we normally talk. Ask how I am doing. Let me vent.

I am allowed to be angry at times. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to grieve the momentary loss of my husband. This has felt at times a lot like when we had Sunny. I am losing someone very important to me, with no guarantee he will be coming home the same or at all. This feeling of having no control is hard for me. Hard for anyone. Let me have my moments.

If I offended anyone, that wasn't my point. My point was to speak my mind. I feel better now.