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Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Empty Dresser

My room is more crowded than normal. 

There is a new dresser next to my bed and tubs of baby clothes/cloth diapers stacked along one wall.

Michael keeps nicely asking me to wash all the clothes and put them away.  "You love looking through it all and putting it away."

He is right.  I do love the art of nesting.  I did it with Johnathon the night before my water broke.  Then I did it with Gabriel about 35 weeks and Bella about 36 weeks. 

I am 29 weeks right now and the only thing that goes through my mind is how I don't want to have to empty the full dresser out if something happens and I don't get to keep her.

Morbid?  Probably.      Do I have the right to have the thought?  Yes. 

I haven't ever personally lost one this far in pregnancy, but I know people who have. 

There are many, many perks to being a part of the birth community.  Knowing things such as loss is not one of them.

I am terrified I will wash, carefully fold, and put away all of this baby girl's clothes just to find out something has happened to her. 

I know I shouldn't think like that.  Michael reminds me often that I should be happy and think of only positive things.  I try and try, but I just can't. 

So I will do my best not to get emotional when I buy the baby detergent and unscented diaper soap for her tomorrow.  Even something that small brings out my anxiety. 

Using those detergents and putting her clothes away will have to wait for another day. least I have bought stuff for her.  That is a step.

Monday, September 17, 2012

That Which Reminds Me Of Deployment

Michael has field for the next two-ish weeks.  This is our first field experience and we are not sure what to expect.  Those two things alone bring up some anxiety. 

When Michael left for deployment we were unsure of where he was going, what he would be doing, when we would be able to speak to him again, if he would be safe, and when he would be home.

Now I do know when Michael will be home, I know where abouts he will be and we know he will be safe.  So the anxiety isn't anywhere close to as bad as it was when he left for deployment. 

There are the little things that trigger those emotions that only deployment or a long separation can bring up.

The truck is out front, but he isn't home.
I have put away the last of his laundry until he gets back.
I can't text him and expect a reply.
He won't be home for breakfast, lunch or supper.
I will be sleeping and waking up without him.

The kids have already commented that he would be home for breakfast by now. 

Two weeks isn't that long.  None of us are worried about it and we aren't sitting on the couch in tears like we were when he deployed.  You *can* tell though that the stress from deployment is not far enough away for him to be gone again.  At least in our hearts.

There is also the added thoughts that this will be the longest we have ever been apart when I have been pregnant.  I do have comfort that I have great friends who will help me if something comes up, and that I would be able to reach him if there was a true emergency. 

We do have much joy to expect when he gets back.  It looks like he will actually be here for Bella's birthday for the first time in her life.  Well except for the day she was born.  He did catch her after all.  :)

This is just another learning experience for us.  He will be going to field a lot next year and will be gone longer and a lot further away.  We are already preparing for another deployment.  He will miss a lot of Sarah's first year.

But we will cross that emotionally charged bridge when we come to it.....