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Monday, October 3, 2011

Bella turns two!

This is Bella's second birthday and Michael hasn't been here for either of them. That is ok though. He loves her and she knows that. He was the first person to touch her. I believe they have a special connection. So while I am sad he isn't here, and he is sad he isn't here . . . we will celebrate the birth of our precious daughter on opposite ends of the world.

Happy birthday precious little girl. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back and back again.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Finding Balance

Finding balance is tough. I think we will be working on it forever, BUT I am making progress.

I have changed the way I am eating and it seems to be working right now. I still crave the bad things. My brain still wants to over eat and stuff my face with crap, but it is getting better. Balance.

Michael and I are talking more right now and that is awesome. I do have to limit myself to how long I sit at the computer with him or the house goes crazy. Balance.

The house is getting easier to deal with. The list of bigger projects is slimming down and it more just the day to day chores around here. Those still keep me busy most of the time, but I am finding more time to rest and spend time with my kiddos. Balance.

Things in our life are always changing and I find that hard. Decisions are being discussed as to whether we will stay in the Army or get out when his contract is over. Lots of variables that cause stress and worry. God is in control of those things and will help us make the choices as long as we listen to His still small voice. That is hard though. This is where my balance is very off.

I want to take charge of everything and be proactive. I know what I want for our lives. It is Godly and is best for our family. The question is if it is God's plan. Something I am learning, painfully, is that God doesn't promise us that we will be happy. He promises that He will take care of our needs, but not all of our wants. We are to be Godly people. Not necessarily happy. We have to CHOOSE to be happy where God is putting us. Finding balance between what our hearts desire and what God wants from us. Balance.

Balance is tough, but we will get there.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Second Piece of Cake

You know when you are sitting there with a really great piece of cake and while you are eating it you are already thinking about the second piece you will be having momentarily?

No? Just me?!? Oh well . . that's why I am dieting. Follow me down the rabbit hole anyway.

So you get the second piece of cake. You start eating it and about three bites in you realize it doesn't taste nearly as good as you thought it would. Then the guilt about the calories start. Then the tummy ache. We have all said it . . . " I shouldn't have had a second piece!"

That is how I feel right now about the Army.

It sounded like a good plan that would take care of our family and give Michael the chance to do what he has always wanted to do (even though he isn't doing what he wanted to do). We prayed. Hard. We did our research. Michael had a really great recruiter. We talked and talked and talked. I supported any decision he made. I still do, but in the back of my head I heard the screaming that I wasn't going to like this life.

I pushed the screaming down. I could make it. It wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he wouldn't get deployed for a while. Maybe this would be easier than we all thought.

This whole experience has been harder than I ever thought it could be. I don't like to be apart from my husband. He is deployed. By the time he gets back we will have been together 3 months out of the past 18 months. I am in an ugly place on a daily basis.

I feel sick to my tummy regularly that we are in a situation, that we volunteered for, but that we can't get out of until his contract is up. This isn't a normal job that you can leave when you want. He still isn't sure he is getting out when his contract is up, and I have to be ok with that. I support him.

Before I get a lashing for this post - I know it isn't the Army per-se, but it has been my experiences with the Army. I know we chose this life. I know that not everyone feels this way. I hate feeling like I have to put a disclaimer on every post to make sure I don't offend anyone.

I just spend a lot of time with a bad taste in my mouth, guilt and a tummy ache.

See the second piece of cake reference? I'm not toally crazy.

Oh and did you think I ate cake?? Ummmm no! I am sticking to my diet. No cake for me.

Friday, July 1, 2011

My Person

I have wonderful family and friends. They really are great.

But . . .

I am very thankful to have my person. You know who you are.

One friend who listens without judgement.
Who knows me and loves me anyway.
Who knows to ask "which way do you want me to go with my response?" before telling me her thoughts.

She stops what she is doing to talk to me. Believe me this is no small thing. She's a busy girl.

She has cried with me, told me to shut up and loved me in between for almost 19 years.

Thank you for being my person. I am blessed to have you as a friend.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Life is Heavy Sometimes

We all have moments where we feel like the world is on our shoulders. Sometimes the weight of it all is heavier than others.

Right now my life is very heavy.

I know that God will take the weight, but sometimes I just need to carry it myself. Good? Probably not, but I am still human.

Michael is gone. That is enough.

Add to that the laws here, being away from friends and family and a precious friend of mine finding out she has luekemia . . . . well I want to fall over.

It's not that I don't want people to talk to me. I want them to. I hate being out of the loop.

Life is just heavy. I will survive.

Just not sure when I will stand upright again.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Johnathon is 6

Happy birthday to our sweet son Johnathon.

His birth was hard, long and crazy but oh so worth it.

On this day six years ago we held our first precious son for the first time. Michael and I will never forget it.

He is artistic, emotional and smart. He loves like no other. Funny as all get out. (Did you know he has a birthday week? Not just a single day for this kid)

He shares a birthday with a special friend of mine and boy are they a lot alike.

May you grow with passion and life sweet boy. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back and back again.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Home and Being Happy

I find myself having moments of feeling like this is home.
Having moments of being actually happy.

Guilt comes first. This is where we live and I am trying my best to make it a home.

He's not here. It can't be home.

Well that's stupid Heather. It can be home. You are here. The kids are safe. Michael would want you to be happy as much as you can.

How can I be happy? He's not here.

I miss him.
We miss him.
He should be here.

The constant struggle is hard to make a home and be happy when the person that completes the family and the home is away.

I KNOW I should happy. It's still hard.

We will leave this place eventually. This is a fact if he stays in or doesn't re-up.

I love this house. This place. This weather. The people. Well most of the people anyway.

I love my husband more.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 22 of Deployment 1

I can't believe it has been three weeks since my love left. Wow.

The house is as finished as it is going to get. This fact rocks my world. Life is starting to look more "normal".

This has been labeled a fun week by the boys. I think we all need a little fun.

Today I finished cleaning the house up. After the beating I took from the table yesterday, this was a big deal.

Then we went to one of the splash parks on base. Very busy but a lot of fun. Came home and let the kids make a mess with craft stuff.

Crazy day for us. ;)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 1 of Deployment 1

He was taken away on a bus.

I know he walked on the bus. I know he signed up for this. I know it was his own free will to join the Army. But he was taken.

We didn't want him to go. He didn't want to go. In fact, everything in us was screaming in an ugly way for him not to go. He was taken.

When he got on the bus I started to shake. I couldn't stop. Everything in my being knew that this was ever so wrong. I couldn't breathe. The kids cried. I wanted to scream and make them take him off the bus.

I didn't though. I am proud of that.

We stood there, waving and making the "I love you" sign. I couldn't leave until I couldn't see the bus anymore. I think it was because I wanted them to turn around. I stood at the road and watched the bus holding the love of my life drive away. Painful doesn't cover the emotions I had. Helpless is a better word.

Then we dried up our tears and went home. Life had to go on.

The rest of the day was just me trying to survive. I fed the kids. I didn't want to eat. I got the trash ready for the next day and everything ready for bulk pick up. I missed him in everything I did.

I would be ok and then break down. He is in everything we do. Still.

He will be ok. He will come home. Alive and whole. I HAVE to believe this.

Or I would go completely crazy.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Deployment Requests

I want to start off by saying that I do not want this post to come off as rude or offensive or anything else negative. These are just my thoughts regarding this deployment so far.

Deployment sucks for Michael and I. It may not suck for everyone, but for us this is really high on the "how the heck are we going to survive this" list. We work best when we're together. We both really enjoy each others company and are best friends. So, for us, being told that you will be apart from your other half for a year is like being told not to breathe.

People seem to say things without thinking because they don't know how to respond. I understand. I wouldn't have known how to respond before either. So the following is my ramble about what I would like/dislike during this time. :)

Don't tell me "You can do this". I KNOW I can do it, I just don't want to. Now there are a very few people who can say this to me, and they know who they are. Other than them, it is just irritating to hear it over and over and over. I know people are trying to encourage me, but it registers in my brain as "well duh!!".

See why I warned you at the start of all this??

I don't need any of your cute sayings about being a grown up. "Pull up your big girl panties" and anything alike I am not fond of right now. Again there is one person who can say these types of things to me, but it is because we have nearly 19 years of history. She can say just about anything she wants and I am ok with it.

Please don't say anything like "Well you KNEW he would be deployed!!!" or "This comes with the job and you knew that right?!?" Yes we knew. We weren't stupid. We knew he would be deployed. We both hoped it would be later this year though. We also underestimated how much we really love being with each other. Sounds stupid, but we really thought it would be easier. It isn't easy. At all.

Don't assume because I miss him and really need him here, that it is because I need him to do stuff around here. I can handle my own around the house. I have found there have been a few things that he normally did, like put up the fire tent for the boys, that I am having to learn. BUT I don't need my husband to take care of the kids or stuff around the house. He does because he loves me, but that isn't why I miss him.

Don't remind me "it's only a year" or "it'll go by fast" or "put your kids in childcare so you can have some alone time" (I can't do that because of shot record requirements).

Don't forget that this is very hard on all of us for different reasons. It is hard on us here at home because we don't have Michael. We miss him. It is equally hard on Michael. Some forget that not all soldiers are made for this. Michael holds all the wonderful traits of being a soldier. He lacks the ability to turn off his want to be with us and be home. He is a very hands on Daddy and this is killing him. So on top of the heat, the uncomfortable conditions and fear he also has to deal with the pain of not seeing us.

If you just thought to yourself "well he KNEW this would happen" or " that is just part of the job", please stop reading my blog and take yourself off my friends list.

I could go on and on about how irritated I have gotten at people's responses to me and other friends, but I won't.

I will say please call me if we normally talk. Ask how I am doing. Let me vent.

I am allowed to be angry at times. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to grieve the momentary loss of my husband. This has felt at times a lot like when we had Sunny. I am losing someone very important to me, with no guarantee he will be coming home the same or at all. This feeling of having no control is hard for me. Hard for anyone. Let me have my moments.

If I offended anyone, that wasn't my point. My point was to speak my mind. I feel better now.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I am Not Good at Making Friends

You might not agree with that statement, but it's true.

Yes, I do have an amazing village of mamas whom I love more than I could ever put into words. BUT it took me years and years to get them.

Now I will be leaving them all. *tears*

I am happy to be moving with my husband and so excited to be in a new place, but I am very sad to leave behind the women that have, at times literally, kept me going.

I want to tell you all how I feel about you, but that will have to come another time.

Just know that no matter how far away I might be, I am always loving on you. Call me. Text me. Facebook me. KEEP IN TOUCH!!!

I love you all!!!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I am 31

I almost titled this post wrong.

I had to look at it again and think . . . hey! I'm not 32 yet!!!

This forgetfulness of my age is all Michael's fault.

Yes I am blaming him. What of it?

You see I met Michael when I was 23. He started my life over. He made me breathe different. Since meeting him, I have been alive.

So, in my head I have stopped at 23.

No I am serious. If someone asks me how old I am, I really struggle to not say "23". I have to think about it.

So, today on my birthday I may actually be turned 31 . . . but I just think of it as anothr day to spend with my precious husband and my family. This will be my 8th birthday spent with Michael and I hope to have 88 more to spend with him.

Thank you God for my family.

Happy birthday to me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Moving Forward

I am very happy my husband is home. Believe me I am. I am also, however, very stressed with everything going on with the move.

Some is Army stuff. A lot is Army stuff. But I will not go down that road right now, because that isn't why I sat down to write.

I sat down to write about the stress and how it, well, stresses our marriage.

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. I am proud of the way we are, most of the time. We aren't perfect, but we ARE perfect for each other.

I love that one of my closest friends said something like "I don't know two people who were more made for each other than the two of you".

Wow. She's been married a good while ya'll. She's been through it and seen it and SHE thinks we were made for each other.

Warms my heart right up.

We are not always nice to each other. I am not good at handling stress and he struggles with handling me when I am stressed. ;)

These things didn't just pop up over night though. He knew I was this way and I knew he was the way he is. We fell in love with each other like this and although we may change slightly we still love each other very much.

We fight. We are not always nice. We are human. BUT we really love each other.

He is my perfect man. I strive to be his perfect woman. There is, always has been and always will be love. No matter the stress.

So I will take each day, hour, minute and second as it comes and pray with each breath that we will keep the love and try to be more kind.

I will NOT however pray for patience.

I don't have a deathwish ya know. ;)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Fort Drum . . . Here We Come

Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it. hahaha *snort*

A'hem . . back to being a tad bit more serious. :)

Most everyone knows that we got our orders from the Army and we will be stationed at Fort Drum, New York. We are excited even though the general information from people is that because of the snow we will hate it. We are staying positive.

Michael and I thought that a place totally different from Texas would be fun. I guess we will see.

The main concern right now is finding housing and keeping us all warm when we get there. Which will be in about 3 weeks. Wow . . . that is crazy to say.

I have lived outside of Texas before, for a short while, but Michael hasn't until he went to BCT. This will be very new to him and the kiddos.

With everything new there are moments of fear and anxiety, but I believe it will all work out to be the best thing ever. I am thrilled at the thought of having four seasons . . . even if winter dominates most of the year. ;)

There are other fears as well. This duty station seems to deploy a lot. That is a whole other ball of wax in my anxiety department. God will watch over us. I know this. So I will try to have peace.

Here are some links to info on Fort Drum. Enjoy!!!,_New_York Hoping this one works. :)