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Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Empty Dresser

My room is more crowded than normal. 

There is a new dresser next to my bed and tubs of baby clothes/cloth diapers stacked along one wall.

Michael keeps nicely asking me to wash all the clothes and put them away.  "You love looking through it all and putting it away."

He is right.  I do love the art of nesting.  I did it with Johnathon the night before my water broke.  Then I did it with Gabriel about 35 weeks and Bella about 36 weeks. 

I am 29 weeks right now and the only thing that goes through my mind is how I don't want to have to empty the full dresser out if something happens and I don't get to keep her.

Morbid?  Probably.      Do I have the right to have the thought?  Yes. 

I haven't ever personally lost one this far in pregnancy, but I know people who have. 

There are many, many perks to being a part of the birth community.  Knowing things such as loss is not one of them.

I am terrified I will wash, carefully fold, and put away all of this baby girl's clothes just to find out something has happened to her. 

I know I shouldn't think like that.  Michael reminds me often that I should be happy and think of only positive things.  I try and try, but I just can't. 

So I will do my best not to get emotional when I buy the baby detergent and unscented diaper soap for her tomorrow.  Even something that small brings out my anxiety. 

Using those detergents and putting her clothes away will have to wait for another day. least I have bought stuff for her.  That is a step.

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