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Monday, December 20, 2010

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I remember being asked that question by all of my friends growing up. How did I answer? Well I always said that I wanted to be a mother, but I usually had something else that I also wanted to be .

Ballerina. Lawyer. Singer. All things that would really be out of reach . . . especially for a ten year old with horrible stage fright. I always loved photography, and I have played around with it, but it took a backseat to my life usually.

When I was about fourteen, I met a midwife who changed how I answered that question forever. Wanting to be a mother was always first, but after that I wanted to be a midwife.

I graduated from high school and started looking for how to become a midwife. I spent a year trying to find out how the process would work. I finally spoke to a midwife (different that the one that had known) and she, in a not very nice tone, told me that "You are too young and no one will EVER want a midwife who hasn't had babies"

Those words shook me. I had already been told by one doctor that babies might not be in my future and then a few years later another doctor made a very bold statement that I "would never have a baby".

So, I went into banking. Ugh. That wasn't all that fun, but it paid the bills. I shouldn't complain though. Working in a bank helped me meet my husband. That makes it all ok. :)

Anyway . . back to the original reason I am writing . . .

Michael is very supportive of me following my dreams, so I started looking into college. I figured if nothing else I could be a Labor & Delivery nurse. I would be around laboring women and see babies born. Things didn't pan out for me to start that year and then we got pregnant, married, lost a baby, got pregnant again and had Johnathon. Whew that was a busy year.

Michael was also very, very supportive of my want to be a stay at home mama. I quit my job about 3 months before Johnathon was due and started staying at home. It is a very hard job but totally worth it. I love my children and taking care of them and their daddy.

After Gabriel's birth, I felt the need to become a Birth Doula. For those who don't know, Birth Doulas support women in labor. Well, they do a lot more than that, but explaining it all would be another post. :) Michael was supportive and with his help and the help of family, I was able to not only get my certification for being a Birth Doula but also to be a childbirth educator. I learned so much, and met some of my very closest friends throughout that process.

After having Bella, being a Doula didn't have the appeal it used to. As a Doula, my role was to support the laboring mom and dad (or partner), not to make decisions or give too much opinion on what they should do if they didn't ask. At least that is how I felt I should be. I saw too many laboring moms be pulled all different directions by their doctors and decisions being made that could hurt the outcome of their births. After Bella, I just couldn't do that anymore.

So I stopped. I loved it and now I don't. That was an amazing season in my life that is now over. Bella's birth brought out something else in me that had been asleep a long, long time. I wanted to become a midwife again. *gasp*

I know, right?!?! How crazy would that be? I mulled over it for months while Michael was unemployed. I tried to figure out how I could do it. I couldn't. I had a four year old, and three year old and a newborn. My plate was crazy full.

Now, I am not saying that I couldn't have done it if I wanted to. I have amazing, wonderful, precious, amazing, smart, did I say amazing? friends who are going through midwifery programs right now and they have children. And I am not talking about your average 2.3 children. I am talking 5+ children people! See they are amazing!!!!

They do it all. They are learning to do what they love, taking care of the families, and one of them is still working a full time job! A-maz-ing!!!!!!!! Maybe one day I will be able to get them to post on here about their experiences. hmmmm?? Anyone???

Man I am rambling today. Back to my post AGAIN!!

I chose not to try that and it is a great thing that I didn't because Michael felt led to enlist in the Army. He is gone for training normally right now, and I wouldn't have any way to do my training without him to help me with the kids. You know, babies don't wait for anybody let alone baby sitters for the midwife.

Michael being in the Army has brought up my fear of being a real, full time single mom. God forbid something happens to my husband, I don't really have anything to fall back on. I haven't really worked in almost six years. I had a panic moment recently that went something like this. -

I need to go to school. I need to have a skill. I can't go to school. no one to watch the kids. How would I do it? Who would watch them? I don't want to go to school. I want to be a midwife. Well THAT isn't going to happen right now. What am I going to do???

I am crazy at times, I know, but that isn't the point. I know God will provide, but I can't be sitting on my bottom waiting for that to happen. I feel like I NEED to have a skill to fall back on if . . . .

I hate that "if" but that will also be another post.

I think I have decided to save up for a great camera, and learn the art of photography. I don't want to be working all the time right now. I just want to learn everything I can and play around. Maybe make some fun money here and there and certainly take pictures for my loved ones for free. (Thank you again to my great friend Amy for taking our family pics!!!)

So, I ask you . . . . what do YOU want to be when you grow up?

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