I had a friend post a question on Facebook the other day that said something like "Every time I see an ultrasound I see a still baby. Will I ever be ok?"
This hit me hard, because it is a question I have asked myself over and over since Sunny. I do a decent job of hiding my thoughts and fears about my friends' pregnancies. I try hard to look at everyone's pregnancy as a positive thing.
I can't always trick myself though.
I worry when people get pregnant. I hold my breath for them at every sono/dr appointment and pray that they aren't traumatized by their birth.
I have a sono today and every time I think about it I just about panic. I always do this, no matter what stage in pregnancy I am. This one is extra scary for me because I am as far as I was when we first started seeing Sunny.
This constant fear goes into everything during pregnancy. I was terribly, awfully sick with Sunny. The morning before we found out that our baby was still, I remember standing in the kitchen telling Michael how I was happy the nausea was going away. I wasn't as sick that day. So when I am terribly sick I worry. When I am not terribly sick I worry. I didn't say it was easy to love me. :)
This morning I am not as sick as I usually am. I am trying not to think about it as a bad thing. Little worries creep into my head anyway though. I worked in the yard yesterday a little. Did I do something wrong? Did I work too hard?
I logically know that all of this sounds silly. I *know* that planting flowers won't cause me to lose our baby. I *know* that being less sick is a blessing and not a curse. I *know* that my worrying doesn't help anything and that what will happen will happen no matter how much I worry. Still....
I want to give love to the special people in my life who listen to my gripe and complain almost daily. You know who you are. You listen to me say things that are silly and full of worry over and over and over. Yet you always find enough love to not cut me out of your life. :)
To my precious husband, who deals with me the most, thank you. I know he gets really tired of me saying things like "Do you think the baby is ok?", "Do you think this will hurt the baby?", "Do you think I should worry that I am not sick or am not sick?". He is kind and loving and always answers with the best answer he can find at the time. He loves me where I am and always has. I love you Michael.
So there you have it. I am full of emotions every minute of everyday. I cry a lot. I worry a lot. I fear a lot. I also try to be hopeful as much as possible.
So here's to hoping that everything is great today . . .