Why I Can't Relax

In very late June of 2004, in our little bathroom at about 5:30am on a Sunday, I took a pregnancy test with Michael standing by.  It came back positive right away.  I just about passed out.  Michael smiled, kissed me and went to work.  

I spent the next few days not knowing what to think or do.  I had been told positively I would never get pregnant and *if* I did I would never carry to term.  I had reason to worry.  

July 4th weekend, while spending time with Michael's family, I started to bleed.  I was devastated.  I didn't know if it was normal or not.  All I knew is that I didn't think you should bleed during pregnancy.  I called the dr on Monday and they said it was normal.  Ok I thought.  They are the drs.  They should know what is normal and what isn't.  I also asked, again, if I needed progesterone since a year earlier they had tested my progesterone levels and said all that mess about never having babies and blah, blah, blah.  They said no I didn't need any.  

Over the next few weeks I bled off and on with cramping and was sicker than I ever thought that anyone could be.  I did everything I could to eat right and be healthy.  Michael took incredible care of me. 

Through all of this I would worry.  *Gasp* right??  Me worry??  Never. :)  People around me would say things like "Don't worry", "Bleeding is normal", "I have a good feeling about this baby", "This baby is going to be fine".  I tried to listen but my fear always got the better of me.

A few days after our wedding (yes I realize that was backwards but whatever lol) we saw our baby for the first time on a sonogram screen.  I had wanted to hire a midwife and Michael was cautiously trying to be ok with it.  She was kind enough to get me into the White Rose Center in Dallas.  We got to see our little one move and see that precious heartbeat that made everything seem real.  

A little over 12 weeks the bleeding and cramping came back and my fear got the better of me.  I called and begged for a sono at the dr even though I had less than a week until my next appointment.  I got in and everything looked great.  Still had a baby that was moving, "looked great" and had a strong heartbeat.

I tried to relax.  I was being told from everywhere that I was past the scary point.  We had seen the baby alive and that was a great sign.  I started looking into day by day pregnancy journal I had bought.  I started writing the dates in it and planning.  I tried to relax.

Right at 13 weeks was our first official appointment with the dr.  Michael took the day off and we drove to Plano to see our baby and make plans.  I made a comment that morning that I wasn't as sick as I had been before.  I was happy that I was getting further along.  We had our sono and Michael and I joked and laughed.  We then waited in the waiting room for 2 hours for the dr to see us.  

When he walked in our room all the said was "Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat.  We will need to schedule a D&C for Monday."

I lost it.  Michael got up and held me.  The dr was irritated that I was so emotional.  I asked him to explain what he meant.  I hadn't seen the baby on the sono that morning.  The sono tech hadn't said anything to me.  They were kind enough to do another sono so that I could see that the little heartbeat that I had just seen flickering on the screen less than a week earlier was gone.  

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child.  No matter the age or length that you had that child.  Nothing.  

Sunny was born still into this world August 16, 2004.

I won't go into the D&C and the physical and emotional trauma that the next weeks and months had.  It was bad though.  Michael and I have been forever changed by it all.

All this to say that I don't mean to be rude or hateful when I blow off the kind things people have said in all of my pregnancies since then.  I try to take to heart all the comments like "You have seen a live baby",  "You now have had live children",  "Bleeding is just your normal", "I have a great feeling about this baby".  I try to take it all as fact but I know better.  I know nothing is for sure.

I also know that my worrying doesn't help either so I *try* to keep it at bay.  I try.  

At this very moment I am almost 11 weeks along with this precious baby in my belly, and I am terrified.  These next few weeks are hell for me.  So please try to be kind and meet me where I am.  Please.  


In December, Lord willing, we will be blessed with the birth of this baby.  When he or she is brought earthside, pink and beautiful then, and only then, you may come at me with the "I told you so".  :)  At that point I will wonder why I spent my entire pregnancy worrying.  I will promise myself that if I have anymore children I won't let myself worry. 


Well...I will try at least.