The Silent Cry

Sonograms for me are not fun.  Since we found out about Sunny by sono, I have a bad habit of getting myself all worked up before I have one.


Sounds nothing like me right?  ;)


The fact is that I love having them, but I fear something will be wrong.  Especially if they are before I can feel the baby moving daily.


I noticed, starting even with Sunny before we knew she was gone, that I have a tendency to silently cry while watching the screen.  What a miracle it is. Out of the love my husband and I have for each other my body has grown a baby.  Isn't that amazing?


In the early sonos they look like shrimp or an alien.  I still cry.  As soon as I see a heartbeat, and especially if they are moving around, tears start streaming down my face. 


They are tears of joy, relief, and a bit of grief over Sunny.  Even though it has been almost eight years since we were told about our precious first child, I still grieve.  Michael does to in his own way.  Sunny was a child to us.  Not an embryo or what ever she was at that point in medical books.


I remember very clearly having a sono with Bella and watching her move and hearing that all was well with her.  Also hearing she was a girl.  I have a special connection with the woman who did her sonos.  She also did Sunny's sonos.  She remembered.  By that time she had done two other sonos on me for Bella.  Both times being happy right along with me that the baby was still ok even though I was bleeding heavily.


So we went for our sono Monday.  This was the only time we could get in before Michael goes back to New York.  We were worried that because I am only 17 1/2 weeks along that we wouldn't be able to check out all of the anatomy correctly and that we wouldn't be able to see if it is a boy or a girl. 


I did not care for the sonographer.  It isn't her fault that she doesn't know that certain phrases or being negative at all will cause me great worry.  She did though.  Something about her saying the exact thing they said before they told us about Sunny turned my stomach.  Blech.

Anyway....the baby is great.  Not measuring small at all like she felt she had to tell us before she measured.  My placenta is over my cervix right now, so if everyone would please, please pray and send good thoughts that it would move away as my uterus grows I would be happy.  I would like to avoid another c-section with everything I have if at all possible. 

She wasn't for sure but her guess right now is that we are having another GIRL!!!!  I am going back in a month to have another look and check everything out again.  We are thrilled to pieces and will not skip a beat if she becomes a he the next time we look.  :)  Healthy baby makes all else wonderful.

Her name, if she stays a girl, will be Sarah Margaret.  Michael's grandmother's name was Margaret and we love the name Sarah.  Everyone keep praying for use please.  :)

We are on vacation right now, so my posts will be far apart.  I will write when I can.  Love to everyone. 

Those Who Serve Our Country, Have Very Little Freedom

I never really thought about what life was like for soldiers (all military really) when they were home.  I knew life would be unspeakably hard while deployed, but little did I know the freedoms they give up while at home too.

These men and women are fighting for our country.  I am not going to get into what I think about the policies or the war.  If you know me well you know how I feel about it all.  Put the war aside for a minute.  These people make the decision to serve this country.  They do what they are told because that is their job.  Some fight hard and lose much.  Michael, thank God, did not have to do that.  He will be forever changed by the things he saw and the ramp ceremonies he participated in.  A Ramp Ceremony is a solemn memorial for a soldier killed in a war zone. The ceremony can take place at an airfield near or in a war zone, where an airplane is usually waiting nearby to take the soldier's remains home.  

We have been not-so-patiently waiting for Michael's vacation plans to be approved.  The army has the right to deny Michael the ability to go home for vacation.  Think about that for a second.

I get why they have this in place.  I know there are people who shouldn't be traveling and those who have screwed up repeatedly shouldn't be given the same perks as those who do their job everyday.  Michael doesn't fall into either of these categories.

He works hard, does what he is told right the first time and is not a flight risk.  As much as I would like to go home and stay there, he will honor his contract until the second it is up.  He is just *that* guy.

There is no reason for him to be denied, but the waiting is getting to me specifically.  He is thrilled about the thought of going home.  Even if it is only for 10 days.  The fact that he is thrilled and making plans, makes me want to make plans and be thrilled right with him.  :)

We all miss home.  We all miss our families and friends.  We miss the fun, food and freedom that Texas represents to us.  We are all excited.

So when you think about the military think about everything that they go through during daily life.  They are technically not allowed to have stubble on their face or get tattoos.  They are limited to where they can go without written permission.  Everything in their lives can change with a moments notice.  Plans can be cancelled, birthdays can and will be missed, and vacation plans hang in the balance while the higher ranks make their decisions.

They are only free to do what the army allows. 

The Power Of Words

I am in my 5th pregnancy.  I have had 3 live births.  I have had one miscarriage.  These are my stats at the OB's office.

On occasion something during a pregnancy will throw me for a loop.  Generally I know how this works for me.  Doesn't mean I don't panic when something that has happened before happens.  Like when I bled this time.  That is unsettling no matter what pregnancy I am in or how many times I have gone through it.

We hired a midwife at the beginning of Bella's pregnancy.  My choices of who would come out to our house at the time were very limited.  I was ok with our decision until she started, very early on, explaining to me all the reasons that she had to transfer people out of her care.  Then she would tell me how I had those same issues.

One thing specifically still stays with me now.  

The midwife speaking to a midwife in training about me while I was lying on the table "Wow!!  Look at her diastasis recti!!! I have only seen one that bad before!  I had to transfer her care out because there was no way that baby would be positioned to come out ever!!"

Diastasis Recti is also known as abdominal separation.  It happens a lot to women when pregnant.  Mine is probably because I have never had strong stomach muscles and I have been overweight a long, long time.

Now I probably had it with Johnathon and Gabriel, but no one pointed it out to me like she did.  After she said that I became so fearful about it.  I looked up everything I could on it and found that it can cause a baby to not be in the right position and can make pushing the baby out harder.

The way she had said it, the way she had made me feel, added fear to an already fearful pregnancy.  Just a few weeks later, after I tried to talk to her about what she was saying to me and how she was making me feel, she ended our professional relationship when I was half was through my pregnancy.

At the time I was distraught.  It all worked out for the very best in the end.  :)  Michael was everything I needed.

So a few days ago I sat up a little in bed and saw my stomach muscles separate.  The fear washed over me again.  I could hear her words and how she made me feel.  I have spent long hours since then trying to calm the panic in my head and researching, again, how to make it less of an issue.  

Michael keeps telling me everything will be ok and my favorite midwife (in Texas, God bless her soul) tells me all will be fine.  Even so, that midwife's words keep playing in my head.

Think before you speak.  Try not to plant a seed in someone that will haunt them right away or later.  Choose your words carefully.  Everything you say has the opportunity to build someone up or break someone down.  Especially when they are in an emotional place.

Everything.

The Moment I Realized She's My Friend

I didn't really want to have a girl.  Any healthy baby would have made me thrilled to pieces, but I wasn't looking to have a girl.

I have friends that have fought through wanting a specific gender and won.  I love their stories.  I couldn't be happier for them.  For my third baby I really just wanted another boy.

Boys are fun.   They are loud and messy and crazy and love football.  I love watching them learn to play with trucks and balls.  They are my thing.  I grew tired of people assuming that because we had two boys and I was pregnant again that we "had to be trying for a girl".  Right....because that is the *only* reason we would love this baby.  ugh.

At least I thought they were.  

Michael and I really believe that Sunny was a girl.  I think that made it hard to hope for a girl for some reason.  We hoped Johnathon would be a boy.  Michael wanted Gabriel to be a girl.  Michael gave up on wanting anything particular for our third.  I was always really just happy to be getting a baby.  Healthy, happy and whole was all I wanted.

So when we were with Mary, at the sono place, for the third time with our third pregnancy, we didn't have any expectations.  She said it was a girl.  Michael couldn't believe it.  I silently cried like I do at all of my sonos.  Both of us asked her if she was sure.  She just laughed.  She is good at her job.

It took us a while to get used to pink and purple instead of blue and green.  She is a hoot.  We love our Isabella with everything in our bodies.  Life wouldn't be the same with out our little girl.

Yesterday I received some maternity clothes that my mother and sister bought for me.  (Hi Mom and Mary Beth!!!  Thank you!!!)  I was trying them on to show Michael.  One shirt didn't fit my chest, the shorts are perfect and a skirt and shirt might be a little big....in case you wondered.  :)   

Bella walked up and said "oooohhh mama.  What those clothes?"

I said "They are clothes for while I have the baby in my belly."

I had on a shirt that had a gather at the bottom and a skirt.

Bella "Mama what this? *points to gather in the shirt*  Oh mama!!!  You have a tutu like me!!!!!  Mama spin around!!!!"

*I spin around*

Bella "Oh mama you so pretty.  I spin in my tutu now too."  

Every skirt is a tutu to her.  :)  She is my friend.  She is the girlfriend I will have in my house for at least the next 16-ish years. 

I will cherish every moment I have with our little girl.

Even though I swoon at the thought of getting to put dinosaur shoes on another little boy who will be throwing balls and making siren noises, there might be a little part of me that hopes this one is another girl.  

I still don't do pink.  Purple is an awesome color though.

I Want To Throw My Doppler Away

It is an ok doppler, but just not for me.

I decided after a week of trying not to listen to the baby, trying to have faith, that I would break down and listen for my peace of mind.  

No peace of mind here.

We tried forever to find the baby.  After a lot of pain (it hurts my scarred area), crying and not being a very nice pregnant lady we heard what sounded like the thump, thump, thump of the baby.  Didn't get to actually hear the baby's heartbeat.  Just the "base" thumping.  

It was really frustrating.  I should have just forked out the money for a really good one.  It would have been worth the reassurance to know that I didn't have to stress about using the doppler when I truly needed to hear the baby.

Plus then I could use the doppler for when I catch babies.  ;)

The Weird Time In Pregnancy

I find myself almost forgetting I am pregnant.  I haven't bled in a while and I am not all that sickly.  Thank God.  The baby is still too small to feel, yet I can feel stretching on my c-section scar area.  It is a weird place to be.

I remember feeling this way with Johnathon.  His pregnancy was blissfully uneventful until the wreck at the very end.  No bleeding and not much sickness.   Once the sickness stopped I was just there until I could feel him.  

With Gabriel and Bella I was sick or bleeding pretty bad until 17 weeks.  So I really only had a few weeks of calm before I could feel them fluttering around in there.  The relief was amazing.

I am so thankful every time I go to the bathroom and there is no blood.  I am thankful when I get that twinge of sickness to remind me.  I am thankful that right now I am not having many symptoms of pregnancy.  It just takes some getting used to.

I find myself wanting to use the doppler twice a week, which is so much better than everyday like I used to with other pregnancies.  It has been almost a week since I used it because it can be loud and Bella has been asleep before we have had a chance to.  The worry creeps in often.  I try, as always, to push it back down.  

So for now I will celebrate this calm in the pregnancy and pray that everything continues to be ok.  Find the joy right?  :)

Summer and Mondays

So it is officially Summer for my kids.  The public school kids still have another week or so to go before they get out of school though.  We had a wonderful busy weekend filled with friends, fun and garage sales.  :)

I wouldn't trade these times for anything.  Sitting in our friend's front yard watching the kids run through the slip-n-slide over and over.  Lots of fun and great conversations.  Michael being right by my side.  It was awesome.

Until Monday morning when I realize how much catching up I need to do.  

You see I have OCD a bit and really like to have my house clean.  I go through this every year during the nicer weather and I have to readjust my expectations of what my house will look like.  It just takes me a while to get there.

My parents and sister sent some wonderful stuff to us last week including maternity clothes that I am going to be needing soon.  I am so thankful for the gifts.  The only issue is doing all the laundry and finding places for everything they sent.  That is on my list of things to do today since we were having fun all weekend.

I have like four loads of laundry to wash, dry and put away.  I hate laundry.  I try to find the good in it, but I just struggle.  I will be joyful...I will be joyful.  :)  I have a huge laundry basket full of items that need to find places.  The floors are covered with mud and grass from our crazy weekend.  

I am just behind.  I am way more tired this pregnancy so far than I wish I would be.  I fizzle out around 10am and can't find my groove to keep working around the house.  I just need to be ok with it all.  There is nothing I can do about being tired.

I am thankful for the baby in my belly.  I am thankful for my kids who are here to make all the messes.  I am thankful to have Michael home.  He is an amazing help.  

So today, Monday, after a summer weekend....I will be thankful and try not to cuss when I am putting away the 5th load of laundry.  :)