Day 1 of Deployment Revisited

It has been a year since Michael left for his first deployment.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about this day.  I thought that I would be able to look back and smile.  Be able to be happy that we made it through the deployment.  To be thankful for all that we have made it through.  I am all those things, but I am also emotional.

Blame it on the pregnancy maybe, but I cry every time I think about the day he left.   How I felt that day is burned into my memory forever.  

I remember how the kids felt and acted.  I remember Michael being unable to fake a smile.  The way he didn't smell like himself because of the new uniform.  The quietness of Michael holding Bella as she slept on his shoulder.  I knew his arms were tired, but he wouldn't put her down.  The boys tried to play, but couldn't find their fun.  What it felt like to watch the bus drive out of sight.    How I shook uncontrollably.  The feeling of getting home and knowing he wouldn't be there for a long time.  Instinctively watching the clock around the time he would be getting home, and remembering he wouldn't be coming home.  Explaining to Bella every morning, for weeks, how daddy wouldn't be home for a while.  How wrong it all felt. 

I am not cut out for this life.  I won't ever be. I am ok with that.  We are finding that neither of us are cut out for this.  I envy people who are.  Those who can bounce back after their love is sent away.  Those who can find the good in the situation and find a way to go on.  

So June 7 will be forever etched in my memory as a day of sadness.  Just as March 17 will always be a day of immense happiness. 

Take a moment every once in a while and remember that military troops are constantly being deployed.  No matter what you hear on the news about the war being over or ending soon, they are still being sent over.  Right now the tours in the Army are nine months with no r&r.  So for nine months they will not see their loved ones in person.  The Army could change this at any given moment.  They have added to people's tours before and they could again.  Pray that they don't.  

If you would like to read the post I wrote about the day Michael left click here.  

Thank you all for helping me through this life so far.  I am eternally thankful.