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Monday, June 4, 2012


We got the doppler in the mail yesterday.  It was delivered Saturday but I was afraid to go get it.  Heck I was afraid to use it once it was in my hands.

We rented a really nice doppler with Johnathon and Gabriel and we were blessed with one to borrow with Bella.  A quick check of the baby's heartbeat can bring beautiful reassurance to someone who worries as I do.  This time we decided to buy one.  It isn't fancy and it will take some getting used to from the others we have used.  It was recommended by someone I love and trust and it was in our price range.  Sold!  :)

Some will want to tell me that the doppler could harm the baby if used to often and so on.  I understand that.  I don't use it everyday.  I don't use it for more time than needed to just find the heartbeat and be reassured.  The chance of a risk is worth it to me.  I would constantly worry if the baby was still alive or not if I didn't have the doppler.  That kind of constant worry isn't good for the baby or me.

Anyway...knowing what I know about dopplers and about my body I knew there was a chance that I wouldn't find or get to hear the heartbeat.  *This* terrified me.  Even though I can tell you why we wouldn't be able to find it, and how it is still early and so on and so on.  It would still bring panic with just the thought of not finding it.  

Fear is a running theme in my pregnancies.  I know it.  Michael knows it.  Everyone now knows it thanks to this blog.  :)  I am not proud of it, but I understand it.  I hope that one day I have enough faith to believe that everything will be ok.  Today is not that day.

We used the doppler yesterday afternoon.  We are pretty sure we heard the heartbeat.  It sounded very far away, but again due to my body and such I am ok with that.  Michael and I smiled and put the doppler away.  Until I need that precious reassurance next time. 

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