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Friday, June 1, 2012

Lucky Number 13

I have been a proud member of the Qualls family for almost eight years.  Entering into Michael's family has been such a blessing.  I love them all.

Except for this one little thing.  We joke, but sometimes it seems to be true, that if you are a Qualls you have the worst luck ever.  Seriously.  If it can happen to one of us it will.  

Michael and I have always said that Friday the 13th is a lucky day for us.  The the Qualls family as a whole gets a break on that day from all the bad luck that seems to follow us.  So most of the time we like to say lucky number 13 is our number.

Unless you are talking about pregnancy.

I had the realization a couple of days ago that I was at the same point in my pregnancy that I was with Sunny when she had already passed away and I was just waiting for my d&c.  This made me over emotional.  I don't have a doppler yet to check on the baby.  Usually by this point I have one and when I get nervous I can just check on the baby's heartbeat and go about my day.

Thinking about being at that same point in this pregnancy made me cry.  I couldn't help it.  I can remember the horrible feeling of knowing that our precious, very wanted baby, was gone and all I was carrying around was a shell.  I can remember how we spent that whole day before my d&c.  We were all over at my sister-in-law's house.  We ate snickerdoodle cookies and watched the Summer Olympics.  

I cried all through the last Summer Olympics and I will probably cry all through the next one.  

Over the past couple of days I have been told the same general thing by two of my closest friends, who have suffered much more loss than I have.  They both said something to the extent of "I wish you didn't know what we know."

Such a true statement.  You can't unlearn what you know.  I know that my first baby died in my womb just a couple of days before I was 13 weeks and that the day I turned 13 weeks she was mechanically removed from my body.  I can't forget that or pretend it didn't happen.  I am not healed from that experience.  

Don't get me wrong, with each passing year it gets easier to get through Sunny's day.  The pain is still there, but I don't dread that day like I used to.  The pain comes to the surface much worse when I am pregnant.  Getting through the time when we lost her and making it through her day are all harder when I am worrying about another precious life in my womb.  

I am reminded what we lost.  I am reminded how the experience was anything but healing.  I remember that we are the parents of five babies right this second, not just the three living on Earth and the one growing in my belly.  

So, again, love me where I am.  I really am trying to be normal.  I would love to be one of these women who can go blissfully through their pregnancy never questioning if everything would be ok.  I just can't.  I will be ok with that.  Someday.

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